It's almost Mother's Day. There are a lot of those pesky feelings cropping up. Such as - I AM RESPONSIBLE. Like, REALLY RESPONSIBLE for these two beings. Who the hell made that decision? I did. Which means I have to really be responsible for myself or these babies are screwed. There was a long stretch there where I sincerely never thought I would live to see 30. And that was just fine by me as I really had nothing to live for anyway. All that changed when I got sober and chose life and hope and me. Now, all these years later when these two beings come into existence, I am responsible. That's simultaneously terrifying and empowering and terrifying all at once. I still really cannot grasp that I am somebody's mom. Let alone two somebody's.
Responsibility is different from control though. I realize full well that I have no control over anybody except myself. Let's be honest, sometimes I can't even control myself.
It's the day we feared might not come. But it's here. I'm living through my very first Mother's Day as a mom. I've mentioned before that we found out we were pregnant after going through IVF on Mother's Day last year. So if you choose to believe it, I was a mother last year, right?
People keep saying, trying to be encouraging I know, that now I really have a reason to stay sober. Well, that is very true. However, I wouldn't have gotten to this place if I hadn't stayed sober. It's like the chicken or the egg, except that sobriety ALWAYS comes first. As in, I don't GET ALL THE THINGS - hope, love and life - if I'm not sober. And if I'm not sober, I certainly don't get to be a mom. I know that if I don't choose sobriety every single day, I screw over my family. This is a big responsibility. It carries fundamental weight now that I am responsible for two little humans.
Last year, I wrote a guest post about Mothers and Daughters about my little mama. Please take a second to click on that link and read it. It's a really good one I'm quite proud of.
It's amazing to read that and think about all that has changed in a year. I think I might always think of Mother's Day in terms of my mom versus me as a mom. I don't know. Never say never, right?
I realize now when I was giving up on myself what that must have done to my mom. All she did for me and all the love she gave was just thrown away by me. I was throwing away so many years of hard work and love and hope and patience on her part. I was saying "screw you I am choosing to off myself here and there's nothing you can do about it". I cannot bear what that must have done to her. And so I write a lot about her and my living amends to her. Staying sober and being the best daughter and woman I can be is how I make it up to her. And now, she gets to see me being a mom. Hopefully a good mom in her eyes and from what she's told me so far, she is so proud of me. And that is really the best Mother's Day gift I could ever receive from anyone.
This first Mother's Day where I am a mom, I am feeling all the feelings. I am scared. What mom isn't? But above all I am honored. I am grateful I get to be a mom. It is truly the most important thing I've ever done besides getting sober. I don't take it for granted for one second that I get this life. I am a mom. I AM A MOM. I am signed on for life but I can only do it one day at a time. If I make the right choices for myself, hopefully I can make good choices for these babies. Terrifying - yes. But so damn exciting and wonderful and messy and lovely too. And to think I was so close to throwing it all away before it all even began. I had no idea what was in store for me, and I still don't, but I am STRAPPING MYSELF IN and ready for the ride. As ready as we can be, right?
I am so lucky to have fantastic mothers in my life. My Mom, my Mother-in-Law, my Sister-in-Law, so many friends and other relatives who show me daily what it means to be a good and loving mom all while maintaining their humor and sanity. I am grateful to all of them for their wisdom and funny. I watch and I learn. So to all of you I say a giant THANK YOU.
Lastly, there are many women out there who are not currently mothers who desperately want to be mothers. And I know this day is incredibly difficult for you. I still feel like I am among you and will always know that ache. Even though I have babies now, I will always know that ache. Just like I keep my past close about being a drunk, I keep my past close about not being able to get pregnant. I want to always remember and be grateful. I wish you love and light and peace. I love and respect you.
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