Its that time of year where Christmas music can be heard on every radio station, during commercial breaks from the TV shows that have a holiday theme, and even wafting down from the MUZAK stations in your local convenience store while you browse for the best deals on a loaf of bread, and during this time I normally revel in the music of the holidays, but not always. Because some Christmas music is downright evil.
Whether its the humanity murdering song, 'Christmas Shoes' from Newsong, the rape culture perpetration of Frank Loesser's 'Baby it's Cold Outside', or John Frederick Coots and Haven Gillespie's stalker horror story of 'Santa Claus is Comin' to Town.' Every single one of these songs is an absolute abomination not for the music, or the singing, but for their horrible, HORRIBLE lyrics.
I will address them in reverse order and over the next several posts.
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3)
1. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town
This one is probably the easiest to see and makes it an ideal starting point. In fact, it's so easy I would venture to guess that you have, at some point, even commented on some of the creepiness that is this song.
First off, the song starts off with a warning to children basically telling them to behave or they won't get rewarded:
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
This part really isn't that bad. As a parent I have, on more than one occasion bribed my oldest child with the promise of a gift or treat if he could behave during an outing so I can't really fault anyone for utilizing this tactic.
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
He's gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
Umm ok... so... Santa is making a list of all the 'naughty' and 'nice' children. Because "obviously" those are the only possibilities that these children could fall into, right? Riiight.
But this phrase contains the cryptic portion that he will "find out Who's naughty and nice." How? Well I'm glad you asked:
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
So, basically this creepy "Santa" guy is sitting up in his workshop at the North Pole watching every single person sleep (I'm not quite sure why watching them sleep will help him determine if their naughty or nice, but whatever) and knowing when they are awake. But here's the last and worst part:
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
OK, if he knows if we've been good or bad then WHY THE FUCK does he need to watch us sleep? Couldn't he just show up at our house and "know" if we deserve a present or not? But that's not even the worst bit! The worst part of these completely insane lyrics are that last line, "So be good for goodness sake!"
We just established that you won't get the carrot (gift, treat, or whatever) if you don't behave while a stalker, who already knows if you have been "good" or "bad" watches you sleep, but you better be good for the sake of goodness and not for the carrot.
However, if you are just being good to get the carrot and not for goodness sake, one would think that you are, in actuality, being naughty and therefore won't get the carrot from the stalker man who lives at the North Pole.
Frankly? He can keep his carrot, I think I'll go buy myself an XBox One for being a good person and I didn't even have to watch myself sleep to determine that!
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