I love the Oscars. In my home it is a sacred day long celebration.
Such a momentous occasion has rules. Very basic rules, but rules nonetheless. Because I love you all, I feel that I need to publicize their existence. After all I can't get mad at you if you don't know how it works. But now that you do, violate them at your own risk*.
- Unless you are literally dying or being arrested, don’t call me during the Oscar broadcast---EVER!
- E (the network) goes on immediately after the Sunday news shows. They can do no wrong on Oscar day. I will not change the channel. Don’t even ask. It’s not gonna happen.
- Don't ask me to your Oscar party. I watch the broadcast either at my home or with one particular group of people. I diverted from this formula a few years ago and it was disastrous. Unless I actually get to go to the ceremony, get invited to the Vanity Fair party or Swifty Lazar** comes back from the dead I will NOT deviate from this plan.
- Do not talk through the ENTIRE broadcast. Critiques, sass and snark are welcome. Endless droning on is not. I will give you the side eye.
- Keep your effing political opinions/comments to yourself during the red carpet and especially the ceremony. No one cares.
Follow these five simple rules on Oscar day and we can continue to be friends.
*And when I say violate them at your own risk = I will cut your head off and put it on a pike during a commercial break.
**Do you seriously NOT know who Swifty Lazar was? Don't even look at me much less speak to me on Oscar day.
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