I've been trying to get women to open up (literally) and help me with an experiment regarding blow jobs but its been rather challenging.
For all of the talk in our culture about blow jobs, you would think I would have been able to find willing participants to help me out with the Masque taste test.
I’m going to be completely honest with you, it’s been a little difficult.
For those of you who aren’t in the know, Masque is a "flavor enhancer " that "conceals any unpleasant flavors associated with pleasuring your man and his subsequent climax.”
That’s a nice way of saying that it makes post blow job man juice taste better.
I’m no shrinking violet, but to go up to friends and ask them if they give what Dad All Day refers to as oral therapy is one thing. Asking those same dear friends if they gulp the end result down is quite another.
Now do you understand my pain?
Of the people I chose to ask most gave me the “None of your business” look; some laughed nervously and left the conversation, others flat out changed the subject.
I had a glimmer of hope when a few ladies and extremely eager boyfriends of friends took the samples that the folks at Masque sent, but that hope died when I received the following feedback:
“Oh, I keep on forgetting”
“Ooops, I lost them.”
“I wanted her to try them but couldn’t find a way to bring up the subject.”
In one case, I respectfully kept inquiring about the progress of my little experiment only to go from “I forgot” to not receiving any type of reply back. I took that as a very polite way of saying “You ain’t getting an answer---EVER! So stop asking.”
Clearly, the subject of blow jobs is a touchy one. Even for people that like me.
I promised them that I wouldn’t use their names, only their opinions and reactions.
Which is all I really wanted; my intent was never to embarrass or judge anyone. Yet as we all know, when you brooch the topic of sex in this country, things tend to get Puritanical real quick.
But by now I bet you all have two big questions rolling around in your head.
The first may be, “Woody, why didn’t you taste test the samples?”
That’s an easy one to answer---‘Cause I’m not a gulper. I don’t swallow. I don’t like it and I never have.
Trust me, I get so much crap from my guy friends you wouldn’t believe it.
“We feel sorry for your boyfriend.”
“You’re not a finisher? You’re mean.”
Mostly they just sigh a lot and give me “the look.”
I told those yahoos that until someone devises a way to make that thing shoot hot fudge, I have no interest about the fluids that come out of it. Not only dose it taste funny, but it gets women pregnant and adds items to the laundry.
No thank you. You can keep it---preferably to yourselves.
Again, a collective groan rose from the male peanut gallery as I remained indifferent to their taunts.
God only knows what was going through my boyfriend's head when I told him about the Masque samples.
From what I observed, his feelings could best be summed up by saying that he had the same look on his face little boys get when they see something live and in person that they’ve really, really wanted for a long time.
Unfortunately (for him), I let him know that we would not be personally testing the product.
I further went on to tell him that he’s getting 90% of the benefits of “oral therapy,” don’t piss and moan about the last 10%.
Most men don’t even get that.
I added, “And don’t even think of glazing me like a doughnut. This is not a porn shoot.”
This time he had another look on his face---like he just lost his best friend.
The second question you may have is if I had that much trouble finding someone to taste test Masque, who finally stepped up to be a willing volunteer?
That's an answer best left to my fellow Chicago Now blogger and 30 Day Sex Challenge participant Tara Scalzo.
P.S. She gave me permission to use her name. Plus it's plastered all over her blog.
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