I really hate that some men can wear heels better than me.
It's so freaking unfair it drives me crazy.
I'm not talking about professional drag queens. If anything, those gentlemen prove the point that being a woman is anything but easy.
I'm talking about guy from work who shows up in a pair of five inch stilettos that would put you in physical therapy if you even looked at them much less put them on to walk down the hall.
I seethe with envy.
So despite the fact I love Halloween, I want to stick my leg out and trip every man I see walking down the street in high heels today.
I'm a broad. A broad with long legs that were meant to be in heels. Why can't I effortlessly glide across the concrete like the man in the gold pumps who sprouts a full beard?
I feel a kinship with most drag queens. They know that it takes an inordinate amount of work to look like a woman. They tuck and wear pads. They shave and re-contour with makeup while struggling into pantyhose or God forbid, Spanx.
And because drag queens get it, I salute them. Keep on fighting the good fight my sisters.
But you men----you men who just throw on a pair of pumps and do the complete routine to Thriller make me crazy.
Why did God bless you with an inordinate sense of balance and coordination?
Why do you have such beautiful and shapely (but hairy) legs?
How can you weigh over 250 pounds yet stand in and walk in heels (on concrete) for hours?
Why must you always taunt me on Halloween with the fact that I am woefully lacking in this most basic of womanly arts?
More importantly, why must you always buy up all of the cute larger sized shoes and only wear them one day a year?
I despise you.
So when you're done running around tonight in shoes I can neither afford or dare to wear, I just have one request:
Please teach me how to walk in heels. I can't live in sensible shoes for the rest of my life.