I have an undercurrent of anger that runs through me.
On most days it isn't detectable to anyone other than myself. Like my fear due to my unemployment, it is in my best interests to keep it well hidden.
But make no mistake, it's there.
I am pissed off at my circumstances.
I am pissed off that the efforts of someone who bills herself as smart and resourceful have yielded such shitty results.
I am pissed that after taking the time to come in and interview that a hiring manager will go with an internal candidate.
I am pissed off that I can't support myself and pay my bills on time.
I am angry at a system that penalizes the unemployed the longer they are out of work.
I am angry at aggressive and unsympathetic collection agencies who may very well ruin any chance I may have of securing a well paying job by putting a garnishment in place BEFORE I actually have a job.
Because every potential employer wants to hire you with a garnishment firmly in place.
I seethe because I can't pay back the countless people who have helped me financially over the past few years.
Ironically, I am also amused at my good liberal friends who lament about the plight of the economy and try to empathize with the unemployed but routinely give money to Kiva.org rather than inquire if you're doing okay.
Then of course these are also the same people who wouldn't ever think to personally try to put in a call to help you secure an informational interview so in the long run their actions aren't surprising.
And I'm downright hostile when I'm questioned about my job hunting strategy.
If you think I haven't tried any bit of advice that you may give me, you're wrong. Outside of a personal connection you may be able to provide, I've already tried it.
Most of all, I'm upset at myself when these raw emotions bubble to the surface in front of well meaning friends and strangers. That I can't eloquently express the fear, anger and frustration of unemployment without exploding at them.
Enveloping them in my blast zone of despair with no warning.
Because that's what unemployment does to you; it whittles away at your sense of confidence and self worth until you're left with the bile of failure.