Spanx Work But They Sure Aren't Sexy

Much has been written about the wonders of Spanx.

A scrappy entrepreneur with a great idea persevered and started an undergarment revolution.

Women from all walks of life voted with their wallets and made Spanx a multi-million dollar company.  As far as I and many others are concerned, there is no summer dress season without Spanx.

They are wonderful, they work and they are a God send.  But there is one slight little draw back.

Spanx are not sexy.

Let’s face it, they are the new girdle.  While they don’t look or feel like anything your grandmother wore, I can’t imagine attempting to disrobe in front of a new man when the Spanx are on.

For all of their positive qualities---eliminating visible panty lines (VPL) , slimming and smoothing those jiggles and wiggles, stopping your thighs from rubbing out the material in your pants and thus preventing a small fire; Spanx are not hot.

How many times have you sashayed down the street in your cute summer dress and caught the eye of a new admirer?  Or perhaps been on a date when you knew you looked amazing.

Things were going swimmingly ---a little hand holding here, a touch of the arm there.  We all know where this is going to end up.  Then it hits you:  There is no way you’re going to be able to sexily get out of a pair of Spanx.

It is not possible.

You try to consider all of the scenarios:  You could run to the bathroom and take them off.   Then your new friend would wonder if you’ve been walking around all day with no underwear on.  Naturally, he’ll have second thoughts about your character and moral turpitude.

I can only imagine what would go through his mind if during a round of slap and tickle he found the gusset?

“Why does she go around wearing crotchless underwear?”

Men have no clue about these things and explaining them during a “getting to know you” session will cause more trouble than it’s worth.

By the way ladies, has anyone successfully peed through that “gusset?”  If you have, I’m buying you a drink.

Then of course you could take your chances and attempt to undress in his presence but that is a risky move.

My guy friends often say that men don’t care if a woman has on matching underwear when her clothes are coming off.  The main goal is to get those pesky articles of clothing out of the way.  I would wager that these guys never ran into a woman wearing a pair of Spanx.

I can hear the conversation now: 

“Lover, if you can get your hand wedged in-between my gut and my Spanx and give them a good tug, they’ll come right off.”


Gentlemen, if your female companion looks like she’s pondering something in the midst of your tender moments please don’t think it’s anything you did.

If you can’t close the deal she probably just doesn’t want to show you her Spanx. 

Try again another day or wedge your hands in there.  The choice is yours.


Leave a comment
  • If spanx were around 20-30 years ago a lot of us wouldn't be in existence today.

    Here's hoping this is just a fad and women go back to thongs.

  • gwill,
    Sorry player, Spanx are here to stay. There is no turning back. When I mentioned this post to a male friend of mine, he replied that if all that's standing between him and sex is a pair of Spanx, he would gnaw them off.

    To each their own.

  • This, like the push-up bra, is false advertising. Just be honest about your office ass. Men don't walk around with a pair of socks in their crotch to increase the bulge.

  • Crown,
    You're right very few men walk around with socks in their pants but some get hair plugs, spray tans and fast cars to increase their attractiveness to the opposite sex. Wearing a pair of Spanx can't be any worse than the guy who leases the car he knows he can't afford to buy while living with his parents.

  • True dat!

  • I am a woman over 40 and don't have any Spanx. Maybe this is what my wardrobe has been missing!

  • Christine,
    Spanx aren't the total answer but child, let me tell you, they will give you a much better line under your clothes.

Leave a comment