Ladies Stop Embarrassing Yourselves In Gay Bars

You know who you are---the ones who drunkenly proclaim their undying booze fueled love for a man that will never love you back.

At least in the way you’re thinking.

Being a supportive loyal friend is one thing, attempting to transition a relationship with someone who’s not interested is quite another.

Seeing that Pride has already passed & Market Days is around the corner let’s just start from scratch and let me pass along some ground rules.

Gay does not equal girl

Your gay male friend is just that---a man.   He’s full of testosterone.  He stands up when he goes to the bathroom.  He does everything that boys who want to have sex with you do, except have sex with you.  Please don’t treat him like he gets PMS or refer to him as “her” “she” or “gurrl.”  In fact the best rule of thumb is let him take the lead on whether he identifies as a girly man or the butchest thing walking down Halsted.

Just say no to bachelorette parties

I’m glad you found the love of your life and are getting married.  Now can you take those plastic penis cups to a more appropriate setting---say Division Street.   When I see a bachelorette at a gay bar I find it distasteful and disrespectful.  Belonging to a minority group myself, I very much understand the need to fellowship and network with your peeps.  It was not so long ago that the simple act of coming out and being a proud gay American was literally dangerous.  Historically, the bars were one of the few places that offered refuge in a largely hostile world.  To go inside of them and treat the individuals like they are here to amuse you is insulting.  Stop it.

Know your history

Stonewall is not a spa and Harvey Milk is not a DJ.  Our gay and lesbian friends fought hard and long for the rights they have today in our country.  Knowing a little bit about that not only makes you well read (and educated) but it also means you’ll be able to intelligently contribute to our nationwide conversation about gay rights.

Your friendship will always be platonic.  Deal with it.

He’s the peanut butter to your jelly; the yin to your yang; the Will to your Grace but he will never sleep with you.  It doesn’t matter how hot you are or how great your ass looks, he will not sleep with you.  Yes, I know he’s perfect in every way and he’s always touching your boobies but HE WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU.

Get it?

Stop playing matchmaker

This is generally a rookie mistake.

You may know two men that you think would be perfect as a couple except one likes leather daddies and the other is into twinks----and they’re both tops.  If you don’t know what that means, then you shouldn’t play cupid.

And lastly:

It’s not all about you

Your friend(s) who happen to be gay love & adore you for who you are but that doesn’t mean that every one of their activities is planned with you in mind.

A very long time ago on the cusp on IML/Bear Pride weekend I was busily mapping out my social activities with a friend who was attending some of the events.  As I inquired about the beer bust party, he gently interrupted me and said, “Sweetie, this weekend isn’t about you.”

Although the comment stung at the time, at least my friend was kind enough to set boundaries with our relationship.  While I was important to him, he didn’t need me hanging out with him all of the time.

And that’s the point, right?  Boundaries, ladies---boundaries.

The phrase this weekend isn’t about you has now become a running joke in a friendship that has lasted nearly 15 years, several job changes for me, a promotion & an apartment move for him, many Martin Luther King Day/IKEA celebrations (don’t ask), and the death of both of my parents.

Following those basic guidelines should ensure everyone’s enjoyment the next time you hit Halsted for a round of show tunes & cocktails.

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