I can't believe you are two years old. In my wildest dreams, I never believed I could love anyone so completely and fully and madly and deeply.
I'll tell you a little secret. Remember when you were born? That birth story was something. But here's the thing, I'm glad you aren't little babies anymore.
While I loved and appreciated holding you and tandem feeding you and pumping and changing you constantly (twin diapers my oh my) and having your tiny little bodies in the palm of my hands, I much prefer you becoming who you are and exploring and testing and growing and laughing with us.
I wrote this one year ago for your first birthday and so much has changed in one whole year.
I know you will get bigger and older (gods willing) and we will have some challenges ahead, but for now, we are here. We want growing healthy kids. I never understand when people grieve babies growing up, WE WANT THEM TO GROW UP HEALTHY AND STRONG. I know too many sick kids. Too many families who are going through the ultimate shit with their families because their kids aren't growing up healthy and strong. Who have lost their kids to sickness. Who aren't able to start or complete their families the way they had hoped. I simultaneously celebrate my kids and grieve for those who are hurting.
So for many many reasons I say, TWO YEAR OLDS ARE AWESOME.
TWO EXEMPLIFIED -
I told you not to touch that. You need to listen to mommy when she -
then he FULL ON REPETITIVELY KISSES ME ON THE MOUTH AND STROKES MY HAIR SAYING OH MAMA.
You are into so much right now. You love music and cars and cute clothes and dolls. You love oatmeal and cookies and carrots and oranges. You don't care for eggs. OK. We get that. Just know I'm going to keep trying to trick you with that, ok?
You are so very sweet to animals. This is one of my favorite things about you both. Without us having to do too much work with you, you are kind and gentle and loving and appreciative with them. All animals. It makes my heart burst.
You say, "Hi baby!" to all the kids you see. You yell "HI" and "BYE BYE" to the Dunkin' Donuts drive through folks. You help clean up when we go to the Library for story time every Friday.
You astound me with your knowledge of the alphabet already. You know almost every letter! In fact, I cannot quite believe you aren't just fooling me somehow. That's probably the case, because you are both so smart.
My boy - you love beeboops so much that you wake up from a dead sleep asking for boo beeboop (blue car) and get so overwhelmed that you flap your arms like a bird taking off in anticipation. I love how you are in on the joke now. You look at me sometimes when I say something funny and just give me this look like, "you are so silly mama" because you KNOW. You belly laugh. Deep and hearty. You are my little maniac. So excitable and always with your high highs and your low lows. I understand you. And you are already working the system. I understand that too, mister.
My girl - you are so careful about making us tea and meme's in your play kitchen that I never ever can get enough. Bring me all your tea, I will never turn it down. I will become a person solely full of tea because it brings you such pleasure to deliver. I love how you help me pick out your outfits and help me hold the rubber bands while I do your hair. You are so patient and sweet. I cherish your sweetness. When you are sad you are really sad, and it's heartbreaking. But when you are happy you light up a room and your smile and laughter is the the most contagious in the world.
The way you both love your Nikki and greet her each day and then hug and kiss her goodbye warms my heart beyond recognition. It gives me such hope for your future and school and going out into the world with other folks. You really love people. Hard and strong. You miss her when she's not with us. We all do.
You are so lucky to have so many wonderful family members who just cannot believe you are really here and get such a kick out of you. After you get to know them, you will see how lucky you are and not be so overwhelmed all the time. Maybe. It's a lot, I know. But you do great with everybody and I am so impressed. As we celebrate at your party with all our family, look around and see all the faces of people who love you. Who have helped along the way. Who have shaped us into the family we are. They are extraordinary people and now you are one of them.
You are quite polite. Saying, "scuse me" and "please" and "thanka" makes me fall down dead each time. Don't worry though. Mommy has 9 lives and I've only used 6 of them so far.
Your ukuleles and bongos and just your singing and clapping causes us to make enormous fools of ourselves in celebration with you.
You try so hard to do all the things. Even when you get frustrated you keep trying. Putting on shoes and shoveling and helping in the kitchen. So you get the sink and the garbage mixed up and sometimes throw bowls away, IT IS ALL GOOD. I love your spirit and your tenacity.
Your hugs and kisses are the most delicious on the planet. I wish I could bottle them and sell them, as we would make millions and possibly be able to pay for college (!!!).
The bond that you have with each other is something nobody will ever have except for you two. In the whole wide world, only you two know each other completely. You share secrets and jokes and arguments that nobody else knows about. You are a very special pair and yet, when you want to be, you are absolutely your own people. You are separate, but always have a partner when you want one. The way you look out for each other is so compassionate and kind and that is the most important thing I want you to give and receive in life - compassion and kindness. I am so proud of the care you take in providing food and drink and toys and warm cuddles to each other. But my favorite is the way you make each other laugh. The tickling and the wrestling and the way you always want to make sure the other is OK and taken care of is just a privilege to witness. Bubby and Bebe Forever.
You two are so lucky to share a bedroom with your best friend. To be able to chat and sing and and laugh while you go to sleep and again when you wake up. You make such a great team! I mean, when I went downstairs and found the two DVD's missing from their cases (the LIBRARY dvds no less) you both just look adorable and say, "where mama? WHERE?" For now I will enjoy every second of footie jammies and wicked grins as you look at me as you attempt something naughty and I try to look away to hide my smiles.
Even when you run in two different directions and I am exasperated, I am still laughing. Hopefully. Because LOOK AT YOU GO! From using harnesses to holding hands and listening better. You've grown up so much. You still take off on me but it's better. And not as scary. I guess I've grown my confidence in a year too.
Everything we've been through has led us here. To you. And you are perfect in this moment. Even the really difficult ones.
I could go on and on as I do always, but know this. As you hold up your two little fingers and say you are TWO years old, know that Mommy loves you the most and thinks you are the best thing that's ever happened. I am the luckiest Mommy in the world because of you two. I will always love you, I will always cherish you. I will always be your Mommy. Even when you make mistakes and even when you disobey, Mommy always loves you the most. I was meant to be your Mommy and you were meant to be my kids. I will never ever take you for granted. I will always be so grateful for you. Some day when you are mad at me and tell me I am the worst mommy, I will still love you. I will love you even when it's really really hard. I now understand what my mom always felt even when things were at their worst and she thought she might lose me. Love never stops. Love is hard. Love is difficult at times, but it never stops. Love feels like it will rip your heart out and smash it on the ground to pieces because it is so miraculously strong and deep and wide and powerful. Mostly though, love fills us up. That's why we do it. We are the lucky ones to be able to give and receive love.
If life were fair, I would be dead. And yet, here we are. You'll forgive me if I don't do much complaining about my babies being 2 years old. For it is all a gift. Every time I hear a "Mama" I crumble. I don't care if I hear it 8000 times a day, it makes me weak in the knees. I get to be your mama. EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. When you worship at the church of In the Moment, you don't ever miss a thing. No regrets.
Happy 2nd birthday to the loves of my life. I am so proud of the kids you are today. This year is going to be the best one yet!
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