You know the days. They don't have to be anything monumentally terrible. They always say, "it's a broken shoe lace that will get you", meaning, it's the little things.
It's not somebody dying or being diagnosed with a terrible disease necessarily that causes us to fall off the rails.
I've been doing this a while now (here's my story) and have had the Promises come true in my life. However, no matter how long I am sober, it could all slip away in a moment. Just like that.
Today, I am the Sober Mom. I am responsible for suiting up and showing up for life. Every damn day. I make that choice.
But some days, man. Some days are just the worst.
It's a feeling of gloom and doom. It's the small things. It's the waking up on the wrong side of the bed and you have no good reason but you are really crabby and should just stay away from people today.
Except here's the thing. For me and probably for you too. When I am in these foul no good to the world kind of moods, when I want NOTHING to do with other humans and really just want to crawl into a corner and black everything out, that is PRECISELY when I need other people. Other alcoholics specifically. For only they truly understand this dichotomy.
So I reach out. May I always continue to reach out. And may you always continue to reach back.
My medicine in moods like this is talking to somebody who gets it. Who understands and doesn't panic thinking, OH MY GOD SHE IS GOING TO DRINK. When it all feels too heavy, when it all leads to running away, I have to remember to run toward. Because even all these years later I still want to run away. When running toward those who understand is the only way to get through. Running away doesn't fix anything. Walking through is the only way. No matter how much I resist or how painful.
And it sucks.
Until it doesn't.
Until I feel the sweet relief of shared experiences and gain some perspective, I am miserable. When I join forces with like minded folks I am reminded that I am absolutely not alone. Even though I have been in this situation many times before, I still need to be whacked over the head with the reminder that I do not need to carry this alone. Even when I can't quite identify anything being wrong. People still get it.
Other alcoholics and addicts are going through the same feelings and help carry each other along. I carry you and you carry me. We carry each other. THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
Being sober is not just about not using or drinking. It's about being happy joyous and free, in the fullest sense of the words. It's about making sure you are living life the to the fullest. Otherwise, what is the point? You were miserable while using, what incentive is there to get sober if you are just going to be miserable anyway? It's about feeling all the feelings and sometimes, it's about eating all the bed pie.
People ask me what I did. How I do it? What can I do to get sober? Here is my answer. You probably won't like it, but you continue to ask, so I continue to tell you.
Throw in all the gratitude and it immediately helps turn my day around.
I don't know how or why it works, but thank goodness it does. Even on days when sobriety is really hard, I never have to drink or be miserable again if I continue to make good choices. It's all up to me. And those who are still suffering can do it too. Many of you do it along with me every single day and for you, I am grateful. One day at a time.
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