Everything is raw. It's too much. Every single thing feels so incredibly fragile that it all may crumble at any second. It's closing in and you feel as though you may collapse under the weight of the collective doom. There is no filter, no bandage, no anesthetic to help you cope when you are a sensitive being. Because even if you use something, it eventually wears off.
Everything makes you cry. The good and the bad.
It feels like there's not enough air and you can't get a grip on the edge of the endless hole you are falling into. Each piece of news and each share of information brings concern and poses the question, how can I help?
Good people, loving incredible people having tragic awful terrible things thrown their way every day. Every single day you see it and it hurts you so much and you question, why? Why is is this happening to them? Why is this the time and the thing that happens and why them? It gets entirely overwhelming when you go down this road for you have no escape, no answer, no logical reasoning for the why.
When you are a sensitive being, what happens to others feels as though it's happening to you. You seem to immediately take it on as if it were yours. It seems as if it is all too much and you cannot handle the weight of the world. It FEELS that way sometimes. The greatest thing is that feelings aren't facts. Feelings change and pass and fade and grow. They are ever evolving. Facts are tried and true and logical. I need facts to weigh out my feelings. The fact that I drank all my feelings away took away everything from me. It didn't work. It didn't help me cope, it just dimmed things for a period and then all the feelings were still there when the drunk wore off. Until the next time.....
Through learning and practicing some new behavior shit (it works if you work it), we've learned we cannot ever carry somebody else's load for them. We can help, but we cannot take it on lock stock and barrel.
But even when you learn some shit, even after you've been practicing new behaviors for several years now, the sensitive being's existence is still fraught with peril.
There is no "everything happens for a reason" in these tragedies and that rocks me to my core when I hear people say that to those who have lost their everything. There is only how the hell do we carry on?
I've always been a sensitive being. The way I dealt with it for so long was to numb it out. Numb out the feelings and the worry and the sadness but along with that, I also numbed out the light.
I hurt for you. I grieve for you. There are times I want to rip out my heart and hold it up to the sky and say, "THERE. THERE IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU CAN HAVE IT." It hurts too much for me to keep inside me anymore.
The fundamental problem with being a sensitive being is that you feel all this shit and you still have to function. You still have to go about your day and take care of business and take care of those who depend on you. Most importantly yourself. SO YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE BOUNDARIES AND SEPARATION and other tools that help you continue on as you see other beings doing all around you.
And so you put on your very light armor - not the thick and heavy offensive armor that you used to use to shun and mock people for your own protection - but light protective armor simply to shield you from this world's harshness until you can get a grip. You put one foot in front of the other and you say, WHAT IS IT THAT I CAN DO IN THIS MOMENT TO HELP MYSELF AND OTHERS. And then you do it. Sometimes it's nothing. There is literally nothing you can do. But you have to reconcile that to yourself and know that the second there is something you can do you will do it. To keep moving forward toward the light instead of the darkness because the darkness pulls. It wants to draw you in. It wants you to stay and get comfortable and live there forever.
Would I wish for a different make up? One that is less empathetic and less sensitive. NEVER. This is who I am and this is who I will be until I die. I love being a sensitive being. Even when it is too much. I don't want to be numb anymore. I did that for too long and it didn't go so well.
I can focus on the good. The light. The fact that while tragedy is striking all around us there is equal opportunity for joy. There is joy right ahead. Right in front of our eyes. There are phases in life. There are times that are way worse than others and when people I love are hurting I hurt. When terrible shit happens, I hurt for people, whether I know them or not.
You may think I'm strong and have my act together today. And I do. I absolutely do. I feel all these feelings and I know how to process them today. That's the beauty of recovery. We can feel all the feelings and still be ok. It is healthy. It is good. It doesn't mean we are sick or going to use or drink, it just means we are well enough to process. And that's a really good thing.
The good news is with no anesthetic, the joy looks even brighter. The laughter more raucous. The love more full and profound. I look for the joy. I look for the gratitude. I look for the hope. I have to. There is too much good out there. The bad cannot crush it all. Perhaps you can relate. I look at every single little moment and eek as much joy out as I possibly can and I don't let the darkness win. Not today. Not now.
Thank you Bianca Del Rio for my new go to phrase.
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