I'm having a hard time letting go. Hall & Oates are 15 weeks old today and just now out of newborn clothes. Well, the girl is just now out of newborn clothes and the boy has been out for about 3 weeks now. He's the big brother - by 2 minutes. So, I'm folding these newborn clothes up to pass along to a friend who has a true newborn. And I AM HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH THIS TASK.
There is one pajama outfit in particular that I'm having a hard time with. It's blue with white polka dots and it has pink trim and a frog on the front with eyelashes, just like my little girl. When we first got this outfit it was way too big on her. She was just 5 pounds or so when she was born. And now, her chunky legs are bent when I zip her into this little tiny outfit. And a part of my heart hurts. Yes, I know I could buy the same one in a larger size, but that's not the same thing now is it?
I'm a huge advocate of living in the moment and believe me I am, but damn those first moments went by so quickly. We blinked and they are already in 3 month sizes. I know it's going to be like this for the rest of their lives. I know we have SO MUCH to look forward to and I intend to live in the moment because EVERY MOMENT is wonderful. Even the painful ones.
Today, Hall (the girl baby) is wearing a dress I wore as a baby back in 1973.
My mama brought some of my baby clothes with her last visit. And I'm looking at this little tiny baby with so much ahead of her and know what my mom was thinking and feeling all those years ago when she looked at me. Did my mom have any idea who I would become? No. Not at all. Did she know I would grow up and become a terrible alcoholic who was so sad and had no hope for her life? NO WAY. She raised me the same way (mostly) that I'm raising my babies and gave me every opportunity to thrive and be happy and full of life. My parents in NO WAY influenced the decisions I made and the addiction that took over my life. They were great parents and still are. Which is scary, right? We can be great parents and our kids can still really go astray. But that is something we have to let go of and know it's not our fault. If we do all we can to help without enabling, but that's a whole nother story that I've shared many other times and I won't do it again now.
We are blank slates and life happens and we make choices that can make our lives better or worse all along the way. We live, we learn, we grow and we HOPEFULLY become better because of all of these experiences and choices we make. Even the poor choices we make can benefit us if we learn from them and grow to accept EXACTLY where we are.
I'm not going to lie and say this isn't hard. It's bittersweet to see my babies growing so rapidly but also to know we will NEVER have this time back again. They will NEVER be this innocent and this little and this pure again. I'm afraid for them and hopeful for them and excited for them. Some day they will read my blog and know how badly they were wanted and loved. They will learn that their mom is an alcoholic when the time is right and they will know that all I have done has led me to this place of being the absolute best mom I can be in my situation. We all feel it. We all do the best we can and want the best for our kids. I get it now. I get what my mom went through and all the other moms out there who hurt for their kids who are suffering.
Living in the moment is a learned skill. We don't have that capacity in this fast paced world we live in today. But if we try to really sop of every delicious second of life, we won't regret it. The good and the bad, it's all ours to enjoy and to learn from and to laugh about. And god dammit, it goes so damn fast.
So, I will look at these outfits one more time before giving them away. I will keep one or two of my favorites, like the froggy outfit, and know that the best is yet to come. These are the moments. These the reasons it is GREAT to be alive to feel all the feelings. If I weren't sober I wouldn't have any of this. No babies, no love, no perspective and no gratitude for the overwhelming love in my heart today. It hurts. Its hurts in the best way possible and I wouldn't change a damn thing. Everything has led me here to this place of love, laughter and gratitude.
Now, about binding babies so they don't get any bigger.......
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