It’s probably a good thing that the State of Illinois is not the only one guaranteeing the Powerball lottery. If it were, you’d go in to cash your $1.5 billion ticket, and you’d be laughed out of the Comptroller’s office, just like the Illinois lottery claimants winning $600 or more have been since last August, due to the state’s budget impasse.
The budget impasse is caused by a millionaire Governor and businessman named Bruce Rauner who refuses to pass a budget until he is granted the right to crush unions and collective bargaining of all types. Rich guy business owners are used to getting what they want, and it galls them when anyone tries to stand in their way.
So, for six months, poor people, children, the elderly, and the disabled in Illinois – not to mention lottery winners – have been told to go pound sand by Governor Rauner. It’s his ball and he won’t let anyone else play until he gets his way. Consider this a cautionary tale about what happens when you let a rich guy hold public office.
Anyway, why trust random number generators when it comes to picking your Powerball numbers? What if they’re programmed to spit out the same six numbers to everyone getting quick picks, knowing secretly that they are numbers that have not even been put into the Bingo cage? But that’s ridiculous, of course. The lottery (which the Mafia has long called a “numbers game”) would never do something like that.
So – how should you pick your five white balls and red Powerball? How can you make them truly your own, and grist for the story you tell on camera after you win?
Ball Number One
This should be a relatively low number – make it the age you were when you received your first kiss. Not from your Mom or your aunt or grandma. You know what I mean. And don’t say you don’t recall.
Ball Number Two
Go to the nearest deli counter and pick a paper number, whether you need any Genoa salami or not. Just take that number, and if it’s between 1 and 69, use it.
Ball Number Three
Take your remote control, the one you are least familiar with (most people have three or more) and press two numbers. They will appear on your TV screen like a promise from a poltergeist. Use those.
Ball Number Four
This one’s easy – the first two digits of your address. If it’s 7 something, use the first two numbers and divide them in half.
Ball Number Five
For this one, tap into the vasty deep of your subconscious. Voila! Your Spirit Guide is telling you in a throaty whisper what the number is. She’s also berating you for not voting in the last election.
This is the “Money Ball” – from one to 26. Nothing less than a whole alphabet of numbers, from which every word through history has been written (at least in English). But don’t let me discourage you. This number should be how old you were when you first made love.
If that number is over 26, then you’re on your own. And you’ve probably been told that before.
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