Yes, there is a way you can enjoy an absolutely genuine, freshly prepared Vienna Beef Chicago style hot dog (or four) with all the fixings (including Kelly green relish) on Super Bowl Sunday, on the comfort of your own couch and in the LED glow of your own big-screen.
Have it “catered” by Vienna beef – or go in and pick up “The Package” yourself. Vienna, the world-renown originator of hot dogs (Vienna Sausage Company invented them for the Columbian Exposition World’s Fair in 1893 and they cost a nickel) is located at 2501 North Damen Avenue in Chicago, IL 60647. Or call your order in at (800) 366-3647.
What does “the package” contain? 16 Vienna Beef dogs (the gold standard), 16 poppy-seed buns, a container of celery salt, a jar of that green relish, and a jar of mustard. You’ll need to get some produce yourself – that is, the tomatoes, the sport peppers, the onions for chopping, the dill pickles to quarter into spears (even, perhaps, some nicely oiled cukes to slice).
That’s where I have to draw the line, produce-wise. When Hot-C once spoke glowingly of the lettuce we encountered on a hot dog at the Tasty Pup in Park Ridge (Home of the “Garden in a Bun”) I groused, “That’s not a Chicago dog.” Lettuce on a dog “wrap” may be a San Francisco 49-ers thing – not that there’s anything wrong with that.
You have to appreciate the sloth of having the dogs brought in to your lair on Super Sunday – especially if you can get somebody else to prepare the dogs for you after you bring the package home. After all, somebody has to entertain the assembled troops in the den or family room and make pithy remarks about Art Modell’s betrayals, or how there hasn’t been a decent quarterback in San Fran since Joe Montana.
Thomas Pynchon wrote about the glories of sloth in a piece called, “Nearer, My Couch, To Thee.” According to Pynchon, it’s not so bad – certainly not worthy of “Deadly Sin” status. And, then, if you eat a bunch of those dogs, you could be in jeopardy of “Gluttony,” too. At that point, all you need to do is either ogle a cheerleader (“Lust”) or get teed off at a bad play or an official’s poor call (“Wrath”) and you’ve got yourself a nice little hat trick of Deadly Sins.
But really – how could eating Chicago style hot dogs on Super Sunday be bad?
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