I have four words of advice for you: Drink Water-Stay Hydrated! If you do that you may be able to avoid this little procedure I'm about to explain to you in painstaking detail. If the above photo doesn't scare you enough, I'm hoping the words will. Halloween-esque scaring.
Dateline:Wednesday, 1/17: Thorek Hospital
The kidney stone surgery is scheduled for Friday. I have a follow-up appointment with my gastroenterologist for something else on this day. I like this doctor and her staff. We're usually flirting and joking around but not today. I'm in a lot of pain from the kidney stone and am really cranky. It led to this conversation:
Doctor D: You're having kidney stone surgery? Are they doing that ultrasound thing?
H: No. Too late for that.
Doctor D: Really? How do they get it then?
H: They insert a scope and ...ummmm...you're crossing your legs and you don't even have that body part. You really are a doctor, aren't you?
Doctor D: (laughing)Yeah but that's not my expertise.
H: Seriously...you did go to med school and have a degree?
Doctor D: (not laughing as much) Go home, get some rest and let me know how you're feeling.
See...told you I was cranky. And we have a long way to go in this journey...a long way. Because of time constraints we move forward in our program.
Dateline: Friday 1/19-5:30am-Home
They want me at the hospital at 6:30. Two hours ahead of time. I'm looking for a good luck shirt. I find this Oklahoma Final Four basketball t-shirt. Then I remembered we lost that game by forty points. FORTY!! I decide no. Here's the Cubs World Series championship shirt. Sounds like a good sign.
I get on the bus surrounded by a group of seventy-plus year old women. At the next stop someone gets on smelling strongly of marijuana. The women are looking at me and laughing like we're sharing a secret. Psssst...we really are.
I'm at the hospital so early that registration isn't open yet. This place, Northwestern Hospital, is so fancy that their waiting area has it's own building. They have hanging bags for your clothes. I'm taking all of this as a good sign.
Dateline; Friday 1/19-8:30-Northwestern Hospital
I'm on a gurney and meeting with a couple of doctors and nurses. We decide that maybe I should put my phone away because it's go time. In case the photo hasn't explained it, they get the kidney stone in this manner. They knock you out, stick up scope up you and zap the stone. They said it was going to be about two hours, about another hour in recovery and home by noonish. They lied! They surgery took about three hours and I was really groggy when I awoke. That's to be expected. What happened next...not so much.
Nurse: Okay...You're daughter is here. All you need to do is pee and you can go home.
Me: Ummm...that peeing thing isn't working.
Nurse: Okay...let me get the doctor.
Dr. Weiner (pronounced like Anthony): Mr. Moore, we're going to attach a catheter and you'll have a bag with you for the weekend. We'll take it off Monday and everything should be fine.
Me: WHAT!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Can we just put the stone back in and forget this ever happened? Really...your name is pronounced Weener and you're a urologist? Bet you never heard that before?
Yeah yeah....I'm really cranky. I told my daughter about the doctor and his name. She said it was a self-fulfilling prophesy. But as I said in the beginning....drink water-stay hydrated....you can avoid this.
Dateline: Monday 1/22-8:30-Urologist office
In a week of being cranky, this is the crankiest!
Office Physician Asst: How are you feeling?
Cranky ass dude: Really? What do you think? I've had this attached to...
OPA: Okay...okay...I get it. Let's get this off of you. It's pretty easy. Just take a deep breath..
CAD: Yeah easy for you...phew...that wasn't so horrible.
OPA: See...told you. Go home, get some sleep. I need you to come back at 1pm to see how you're doing?
CAD getting cranky again. WHAT?! You guys are trying to kill me this weekend. Oh and Kirsten?
CAD: Remember how I told you about how happy I was there haven't been any invasive procedures here. Forget I ever said that.
OPA: (smirking) See you at 1.
So once again I want to repeat something...DRINK WATER-STAY HYDRATED!!!
We again move ahead in our program to Thursday. See, after the surgery, for some reason they leave a stent in you and it needs to be removed. I'd tell them to leave it in but it makes your kidney pulsate every time you pee, plus the urine is a lovely color of blood red. TMI? Maybe! Oh...and there's more good news. There's only on way for it come out...yep...the same way it came in. As John McEnroe once said, "You can not be serious." But yeah...they are. Now don't tell anyone, but I popped a little Norco before the main event to take the edge off. Shhhh.
Dateline: Thursday 1/25-1:30pm- Urologist office
They walk me through what's going to happen but I'm so scared I'm barely listening. Here comes the nurse:
Nurse: I'm going to numb you up so the doctor can put the scope up there without too much pain.
Me: What do you mean by not too much pain?
Nurse: All done...not too bad right?
Me: Not too bad for you. So do we go get coffee after this?
Nurse: (not getting the joke) I have three more of these today.
And now it's time for the main event. You might think the surgery is the main event but they knock you out for that. For this, you get to watch.
DoctorDeath: Let's get this thing out of there. (showing me the scope) This is what we use to do the scope. It won't take long.
Me: That thing really fits? Are you (may or may not have said the word fucking) kidding me?
Doctor: Yeah, it's not as bad as it looks. Here we go...
Me: is there a way not to watch this?
Doctor: Yeah, shut your eyes. Okay, here we really go.
Me: Taking deep, deep breaths over and over
Doctor: Can you breathe normal. We don't want you to hyperventilate and pass out while I'm doing this. Thanks...all done..told you it wasn't that bad.
Me: Yeah, easy for you to say. Soooo...do we go get coffee or what now?
Doctor: (laughing) let me ask my husband.
Phew...that was just over a week ago. It took a few days to get over the trauma of it all but I'm better now. All that for a little kidney stone that showed up three months ago. I remember being so smug when I thought I beat the medical system when the stone first appeared but they paid me back...big time! So what have we learned from this? One very important thing...
DRINK WATER-STAY HYDRATED
Related Post: Cystoscopy or death:It's a tough call.
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