Posts in category "How-To"

911: My kid hid from me during an emergency!

Now that the clouds have lifted a bit for me, I’m looking back to myself a few weeks ago realizing just how dark I was. For example, I kind of got convinced that I was going to keel over and die of a brain aneurysm (or something! you never know!) so I took an afternoon... Read more »

How to wait tables

Open scene: My husband is pausing from his meal at a little ‘hood place we’ve come to think of as “ours” to sip on something called an Angry Orchard. I take a giant bite of a fajita – the type of bite you don’t want anyone capturing on their cell phone and tagging you in... Read more »

Advice to stay-at-home-dads from a cold, cold playground mom

If you’re a stay-at-home-dad having a little trouble in the daytime social landscape dominated by lady parents, I’m here to help. Nothing makes your eyebrows curl into question marks like HOW WOMEN WHY??? when it comes to your playground peers snubbing you for play dates and idle chit chat, amirate? What’s up with these stuck-up... Read more »
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Life with a sexxy face scar

I’ve been meaning to write this for years. Who knows why today’s the day, but saddle up! We’re going to talk about The Thing I Never Talk About Mainly Because It Doesn’t Matter: my scar. The prominent one, right on my face, that I’ve had since I was three years old. The face scar that... Read more »

Non-toxic spray paint + nursery PICS!

I figured spray paint was banned in Chicago because ne’r-do-wells muck up public spaces scrawling their names everywhere, but now I wonder if their mothers got together and forced it out because it’s so unhealthy. Have you ever looked on the back of a can of spray paint? “Causes cancer” and “long-term exposure will cause... Read more »

How to survive a kitchen remodel [PHOTOS!]

This is as good as I can do for a before pic. While I was cleaning, I happened to find the realtor brochure from when we bought the house.
Butterflies! Cannons! Jolly elves in fun pants! Whatever’s your signature confetti, just pack it up and take it into my kitchen right now. It’s the land of YES. We’re about to take a tour of my head and home spanning the time from June until an hour ago, some of it murky territory, and arrive... Read more »
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Surviving bed rest, aka, How to be a floating head in a jar

I may be short, but I’m brutish in strength and mental fortitude. It’s called Napoleon complex and ladies have it too. I’m the type who gives birth after 24 hours of labor and crawls down from the table like, I’ll meet you at the car, man. I don’t care if my entrails are dragging on... Read more »

How to quit smoking, even if you've been doing it since 1998

Today on Jezebel, Anna Breslaw commiserates with smokers in this era of green tea smoothies and yoga crazies. I read it because I used to smoke. A lot. Crap, now that the government is going through our underwear drawer and pieceing together whether we cheat on our diets with our Grub Hub orders, I’m a... Read more »

How to be a good dad on Mother's Day

My husband is pretty great on Mother’s Day. Or he tries to be. He whisks the kids away at the crack of dawn for their annual pilgrimmage to McDonald’s for our traditional Mother’s Day feast of rubber pancakes and processed sugar. He knows I don’t want an attempted-cooking mess to clean up and the idea... Read more »
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Is swaddling the new spanking? See you in jail!

Raise your hand if you wrap your newborns up like burritos. Ah, everyone in the audience. Mothers and caregivers since the beginning of time have wrapped little bambinos in blankets. The hospital swaddled my kids the moment they were born and although mine fought the practice once we got home, preferring to flail around and... Read more »