Posts in category "Grinch the season"

Don't give your kids a car from the tooth fairy or I WILL LOSE IT.

Guys. Parents. My people. We need to make a pact. The holidays are out of control. I’m not talking about Christmas and Easter (but that too) but “holidays” like Pie Day and St. Patrick’s Day when you’re not Irish. I’m not Irish. I’m not even from Chicago where everyone is Irish by proxy. I mean,... Read more »

No, I cannot leave my baby for just one night

I noticed it’s December. Suddenly there’s a tree in my house and people are acting grumpy in stores. Sometimes those people are me, like when I muttered, what the shit is going on! when two of my 500 kids were screaming and I dropped a tray of cookies in the parking lot yesterday. A nice... Read more »

The Christmas cards I really want to send

If you judged my life by the Christmas cards I send every year, we’ve really got it together. Look at us. We’re so quiet and always have clothes on when we’re in only two dimensions. It’s that time of year to order cards again and I wonder if maybe I should start being honest. What... Read more »

So, your toddler wants to wear blackface

I have a friend and I know you think it’s me, so go ahead and think it because my kid does stuff like this all the time. Kids are basically raw humans who go around revealing humanity’s innermost, universal embarrassing thoughts. “MOM, I maked poop because of the broccoli!” Etcetera. Anyway, my friend’s daughter has... Read more »

Sorry, not feeling "dead baby" decor this year

I felt like killing a little time today, so I took my two-year-old to the Halloween superstore. I love Halloween! When people ask me my due date, I tell them I’m rooting for October 31. (Someone helpfully pointed out to me the other day that since she’s a girl, I’d better avoid that date so... Read more »

The final frontier of mommy wars: Crafty moms v. holiday haters

There’s a new bracket in the mom on mom tournament. Pop your popcorn because this sport is always fresh! Sure, the smash down between working moms v. stay-at-home moms has all been thrown and the perennial conflict between homebirthers v. elective c-section crowd has gone stale. The room has cleared and the janitor is turning on... Read more »

After Christmas is sad! CRY!

I had the most peaceful Christmas. It was all cherubic kids and Christmas Day snowfall. Sure, I got five hours sleep between Dec 24 – Dec 26 and my floors are still covered in glitter, but the gifts and food were amaze face (respective highlights: Zingo and egg rolls). For once, my holidays were easy... Read more »

POLL: Is It A-holey to Post Pics of Your Tree After Santa Comes?

Hi, there, Internet. Usually I have strong feelings one way or the other on a topic, but this one has me split down the middle like Abby & Brittany. I’m trying to decide how I feel about posting pictures of Christmas trees to Facebook after Santa’s been there. The new tradition after the kids go... Read more »

Adult ideas for the Elf on the Shelf

Look what that naughty Elf got up to! He's poor this year (the economy!!!) so he made meth in your bath tub out of your garden fertilizer and cough medicine. Uh, oh. Elf is the poster child for . . .
Our perennial foe, The Elf, is back. This year he didn’t “arrive” until St. Nick’s Day and if I were smart, I wouldn’t trot him out until a week before Christmas. Last year I was a real gung-ho idiot to introduce him the day after Thanksgiving. That was like 28 days of near-misses, forgetfulness, Elf-hiding-equivalent-of-writer’s... Read more »

Seven Deadly Sins: Greed - "China ain't your boyfriend"

Do you guys play Risk? The board game for power-hungry nerds? I had the best apartment in college. Somehow my roommates and I found this two-story, new-seeming apartment a mile from campus for like $120 in rent. Sure, it was all drywall and hard carpet, but it was new and impressed us, kind of like the... Read more »