Posts in category "Dear diary"

I should be excited to leave FRIGID HELLHOLE CHICAGO. But I'm not.

I don’t have to tell you what cold feels like. You know. The acid burn of 3 degrees. Vertical wind punching you in the face. We’re all in this together. The difference between you and me is I’m moving. On Tuesday. To L.A. My realtor called the other night and said, “it’s 70 degrees right... Read more »

I'm only telling you this so I can order pizza for dinner

Thank you, Highlights magazine for the fish invitation template.
Awhile back, someone broke the mom code of not gifting living things to other peoples’ children and gave us a fish. A fish is worse than a puppy since the poop-to-benefit ratio is quite low. They are way too much work for something that will not push my wheelchair when I’m old or even walk... Read more »

Would you open the door for a stranger in the rain? I didn't.

It was a dark and stormy night.  To be exact, this happened last night. I was in the bath tub frantically shaving my legs when it started thundering. I was certain I’d become lightening toast. I read articles! Okay, maybe I was a little keyed up because I was short one husband for the night.... Read more »

Who's infertile at 27? This mom of four.

I know I usually write Bitstrips cartoons and act like a fool, but I’d like to bring the real today. I’ve had a stress headache for more than 24 hours that has cemented my shoulders and nearly blinded me. (Not to mention the debilitating morning sickness. Cry, cry.) The days are blurring together for me... Read more »

Call To Arms: Have You Been Burned By A Moms' Group?

A few weeks ago I received a dagger to my white trash heart when I was rejected by the Moms Of The North Shore meet-up group. I can’t say it stung since I never interacted with a single human soul (either the generic profile pic I use across all social media was deemed too scary... Read more »

Quit Hating Time, Haterz! Also, Gawk At My 2012

Took at least one super hero to the Jewel
Every New Year’s Eve about two dozen people on my Facebook feed say, “I’m glad this year is over!” and “can it please end sooner?” Dudes, you’re giving me a sad. Even if your year wasn’t that great, there is nothing more precious than time. Even if your moments were bad, you’re not getting them... Read more »

Is anyone else immobilized over Sandy Hook?

I don’t know what to do. I can’t shake the Sandy Hook shooting. This may sound totally stupid or insensitive, but this is the first tragedy that has brought home the reality to me that no place is safe. This could happen to any of us, tomorrow. The human brain has amazing coping ability –... Read more »

Road puke is no match for a German

I smell peanut butter. Do you smell peanut butter? It was a dark and stormy night. Last Saturday night, to be exact, and rain was raging down onto highway 74 through Indianapolis when I heard a muffled BLRUUPPGH coming from the kid sleeping in her car seat behind me. Oh God, Niko she’s barfing! Pull... Read more »

Trying to phone in a birthday party

Did you know I used to be an awesome party planner? And by that I mean I was a competitive circus meister who batted imaginary henchmen one-upping my celebrations. I mean, I ain’t no Pippa Middleton (bwahahahah) but my child’s first birthday was a roar of coordinated baby bolero jackets and professional cakes. Even though... Read more »

Prude kicked from Steve Harvey Show

I’m struggling with how I handled a situation recently. The producers from The Steve Harvey show have been mining Chicago Now bloggers for talent. They call us up and invite us to be part of segments, usually relating to blogs we’ve written. I was considered for an episode about families who take bad portraits. Seriously,... Read more »