Creak back: Remember when The Elf On The Shelf was only annoying because we had to move him every night and we'd forget and have to be like, "ummm, he picked the same spot again - just like mommy does on the couch every day!"? And then we all got crusty because SOME PEOPLE raised the bar by making one-up magic every night like, ruining their entire households as the naughty "Elf" craps on your shoes or breaks all the crystal? Hilarious. Well, you're old now, and furious, because just throwing a bag of flour all over your clean kitchen isn't good enough anymore. YOU ARE NOT MAGIC ENOUGH.
Now your Elf on the Shelf gets dressed up in twee costumes. Wait, you're eyes haven't rolled themselves in knots yet because not only does the Elf have costumes, he has a Frozen costume. Go on. See for yourself. The two things you hate/love/HATE are rolled into one as you dress your Elf as Elsa. All together now, let's stab our eye drums!
There are 28 days between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. You know some parent is going to have 28 different costumes and an elfmobile made of candy sticks and glee and an Elf pet and a separate Queen's entrance for this sucker that didn't even exist five years ago. If that parent is a mom, we will hate her and if that parent is a man, we will adore him and blogs about him will dominate the parenting circuit for weeks.
JUST STOP. Stop with the Elf. Burn him. Bury him. Don't let him tear us apart this way, family. Invent magical stories about how he and his buddies tried to climb Everest (that rarely works out!) or how they all tried to walk a tight rope or flushed themselves down the toilet after rumors it led to Ibiza. I don't know. Just, something.
He must go.
Let's go out with a bang this year. Let's dress him in an assy little ascot with all his accessories and set him up to fail a thousand fails.
- Dress him in a hospital gown - Ebola patient!
- Dress him as a Disney star and assume his eventual decline into drugs and obscurity
- Drop him down the chimney just like Santa but OOOPS, there's a fire.
We need to disco burn this Elf. Of course, we'll probably just enter into a new, even worse era once he's gone. The Rachet Reindeer who sprays champaign into a glass sitting on its own ass? The future is dim.
UPDATE - Life is short, grab joy where you can. Keep the love alive if your family enjoys this twerp. Peace & grease.
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Filed under: Grinch the season