I've lived here for a whole 25 months, which clearly makes me an expert. Thus, I've complied this scientific list of the people you meet on the North Shore when you're not hiding in your house waiting for ChiPocalypse. (Seriously, wasn't it supposed to get Polar Whoretex levels of cold and yet here we are in our windbreakers like, I stocked up on four dozen eggs and nine milks at Costco for nothing.)
1. Adult children. I don't mean immature adults, I mean extremely mature, amazon babies who read at 3 months old and debate Reagan economics with you at seven. It's like these kids hatch from an egg at six-feet-tall and are ready for a job in banking by middle school. Attack of the Alex P. Keatons! I guess since they play every sport and get toted to every club since birth, they reach natural adulthood much sooner than those in the wild. Then they wait 40 more years to get married.
2. The gobs of money, super chill kind. There's an inverse correlation between snobbery and money up here and it seems the more some people have, the more down-to-earth they are. Weird, right? You wouldn't think it. We went to a house party at The Clue Mansion. Like, they restored a historical mansion and hosted a swanky party for 60 people in their living room and let us all take turns playing in their turret. And they are coolest damn people you will meet.
3. The try-hard, rude kind. These people one-up and out-snob everyone around them, but then they'll do something really strange, like pull off in a Honda. Hey, I'm from Indiana. I'm just saying, it's really weird to overhear a loud conversation about such-and-such school is just wayyyy under snuff for precious little Washington and then they slink off in a beater. Like, who are you to diss my kid's school? Oh, no one.
4. Totally normal people. Maybe even most surprising in all this mess is that there are completely normal human beings. They have yard sales and take out their trash and do their laundry like everyone else. You'll see a $3,000,000 house and the wife outside planting tomatoes. There are actually lots of people from, like, Ohio.
5. Rich hippies - They wear $600 yoga outfits and spend all day with the Om. Am I even saying that right? If I had a body like that, I'd be flaunting it naked and getting arrested, not holed up in some thousand-degree sweat box.
6. Realtors, builders and people otherwise connected to real estate: That is like, 99% of the population north of Evanston. I happen to love salespeople (so friendly!) so this is good news. If only they didn't have to work all day it would be a nonstop party.
7. The disturbed kind of criminals. Crime is everywhere, but it doesn't always look the same. We don't have the gunshots-in-the-streets type of activity; We have dudes like this who smile for their mugshots after being prosecuted for criminal sexual assault on a 14-year-old.
8. People who have only lived here two years and write blogs about it. We're the worst.
UPDATE: I have been told I must also include swingers. I guess I haven't truly been acclimated up here yet because no one is inviting me to swing anywhere. Please dish about this in the comments, sleuths!
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