Who knew the hottest restaurant in America was in the middle of Florida? Cinderella's Royal Table at Disney World is booked solid, from 6:00 AM until the park closes, six months in advance and reservations are only available to guests paying hundreds of dollars a day for park entrance. It's the thing to do, I'm told. So if I'm going to shell out $50 an entree so my family can see a college kid dressed up in a blue halloween costume, I'm going to read the restaurant reviews. Enter, a 10-year-old German girl who makes Daria look like Mickey Mouse.
At first you don't know she's ten (about to turn eleven, FOR YOUR INFORMATION). I thought it was a stodgy old man who had wandered in from Epcot's Nation of Butthurt or maybe just the parking lot. Was he lost? Did he mean to go Red Lobster, but took a wrong turn at the exit for Punta Gorda? Maybe he should have left a trail of caramels.
"[U]nless you have young ones that love princesses it isn't worth your money," her review of Cinderella's Royal Table begins. Because only refined singles of a certain age hang at kiddie amusement parks? Maybe she was expecting Don Rickles.
"When we made our reservation we were told when we asked if it was character dining that it was not."
She made sure in advance that there would be NO Disney characters mucking up her debonair dining experience at, um, Disney. Just a double rye and a cigarette, please. Anybody up for Bridge?
"Now when we walked in they had a photo opportunity with Cinderella and Prince Charming which we tried to bypass but were told 'Oh no you have to stay for it, it is part of the experience!' "
"When we finally got upstairs we were unpleasantly surprised. We had been told that we were having a reservation for three adults (Me and my parents). Now, the main reason we chose the restaurant was the menu, which was highly recommended. To my and my parents surprise I was given a children's menu."
Maybe, because you're ten or something?
"We asked for the adult menu to which we were told that they were not sure if I would be able to finish the adult meal. At this point the waiter asked my parents if they were sure I wanted the adult menu. My parents said yes and the waiter complied while walking away looking baffled."
Also, because you are a ten-year-old little girl eating at Disney's Cinderella Castle. SHE IS NOT BASIC, GUYS. Wait. I know what this is about. You wanted them to spoon fed you while making airplane noises. Just admit it.
"We ordered our food and while we were waiting the princesses walked around and took pictures and gave each little girl a plastic wand. Once again if you said that you did not want to take a picture with the princesses you were told that, 'You should it is the part of the experience.' "
When I read this the first time, I was still thinking she was an old man so I did get confused. I mean, do they really hand old curmudgeons fairy wands and make them smile with the princesses? If my grandpa goes to the mall by himself in December, must he sit on Santa's knee?
"Once we finally got our food it was cold and relatively tasteless, but by that time I was starving and wanted to have an excuse for not taking another picture with a princess."
I actually hear her eyeballs rolling away. Come back, jaded 10-year-old Disney restaurant reviewer's eyeballs! Come back!
Despite the sad one-star review from this little German girl (of course she's German. We like nothing.) I'm still trying to nudge my way into Cinderella's Royal Table for October. I've called upon personal favors from lifelong friends and done my best with complete strangers. Nada.
Oh well. I hear the food is cold anyway.
UPDATE - It appears the events transpired in August 2013, when the reviewer was ten. She left the review this week and so is now fully eleven, thankyouverymuch, going on twelve! Also, you are not the boss of her.
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Filed under: Being German