Ten types of belly button lint that WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!

Um, number one: regular belly button lint? Actually, I have no idea and, as you may have guessed, this isn't going to be about your damn belly button, you adorable click bait-guppy. Sorry. Excuse me. That was rude. All I'm saying is maybe your belly button lint isn't exactly that fascinating, and yet here you are. Thank you for being present.

Let me tell you about something WAY more important, okay? I promise I won't hurt you. (NO! NO! Don't let the word "important" throw you off because yes, it's code for "boring". I get it.) Okay, you need a reward to keep reading, don't you? (You: "This is HARD. I can't keep my eyes fixated on this one page for more than five seconds if there's no cat pictures!)

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I stole this picture off the google. If it's your cat, send me a cease and desist letter.

I'll brush your hair and buy you ice cream afterwards, but just try to get through this next terrible paragraph.

The water you are drinking is contaminated.

There. There I go again, painfully delving into a boring, terrible truth that has nothing to do with your selfie game or cat pictures or any celebrities. The water you are drinking is contaminated by many agricultural chemicals that are supposed to kill other things (weeds, bugs) yet somehow hydrate food that keeps you alive. Wait. That isn't going to work on you. Let me think of an example you can relate to. The water that's all jacked up, that comes out of the faucet, that supplies Taco Bell with their liquid to cook delicious beans? It's contaminated by a special water in nature called groundwater.

Groundwater. It's in the ground. Like, beneath the dirt and crap. Groundwater gets gross when crops are sprayed with RoundUp and Atrazine (nasty products that would kill you if you ingested them straight) and then it rains. The rain sinks into the ground and carries that gross crap with it, which makes its way into your drinking water because groundwater comes back up. Surprise! It's like a stripper cake!

You: No way is anything totally bad going on. I'm alive. I'm fine. If it was so bad, wouldn't the government, like, shut it down or whatever?


FUN FACT THAT IS NOT FUN: Groundwater is actually not covered by the Clean Water Act.

There is all this hubbub going on about Obama's big Clean Air Act and the EPA was in court this week battling over something kind of minuscule - basically fighting tooth and nail over a tiny fact about air pollution. (Okay the details are a wee more complicated, but it boils down to the EPA still controls 86% of the regulatory control of the US carbon emissions. I told you. Total snoozefest.)

What is super annoying to me is that fighting over air pollution like that is great, but ultimately fruitless since not much changed, and yet the seriously disturbing chemicals that leach into our water supply and cause kidney problems, reproductive and hormonal problems and even chromosome abberations in developing babies that result in physical deformities and death is just, like, NO PROBLEM to the US government. It sucks.

Anyway, my whole point to telling you this is that I wrote a completely boring article on this matter on Elite Daily today. Why was it boring? Well, because it was my first time writing over there and I guess I was a bit like a deer in headlights. I don't know why I was so afraid to be myself since they have editors to correct my spelling and invent titles about movies I've never seen.

So. Maybe check it out? So I don't get embarrassed? Pretend you care or something?

In the mean time, here are the only types of belly button lint I can think of:

1. The gross kind

2. The nastier kind

3. Take a shower, but consider getting a universal water filter for your home before you do and check out a reverse osmosis system for the water you drink.

4. Is bellybutton lint even a real thing? This is not one of my problems.



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Filed under: Poison in the well!

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