Crap, I offended the guests, didn't I?

You recognize this feeling from college. You're half asleep. The inside of your head sounds like a didgeridoo. You're pretty positive you had a great time last night, but no examples are springing forth. You were hanging out in your yard with some new friends, saying God knows what to them. A vague terror creeps up in your throat as you open your eyes.

You offended the guests, didn't you?

I remember a big, toothy laugh on my part and a fight about whether someone's shade of hair qualified as blonde. (It didn't.) Shoes were missing. I think I spilled wine on someone's baby. I hope I didn't insult: the east coast, public school, vegans. Crap, is telling someone their dog looks like Rin Tin Tin an insult or a compliment? Was the dip I served too tangy? Did they let it slide that instead of putting away a pile of kid crap, I camouflaged it with a blanket? Did I ask too many questions? DEAR GOD, please tell me I didn't bring up the politics of vaginas.

It seems the better of a time I had the night before, the more I worry the next day if I offended people. I don't fret about it if the time was dull. If it was boring, obviously I didn't say anything too crazy because it would have gotten exciting. I once spent an evening trading recipes for soup and I didn't worry about a damn thing the next day.

I also don't worry about offending old friends or family - those people have to take me if they like me or not. I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law thinks I'm white trash. Oh well, tough shit, he's still eating dinner here!

Making new friends is like dating. Some people like to hold their crazy back and let it escape quietly over time, like the slow release of the polar ice caps into the ocean. People end up married to axe murders and toe-nail biters before they know what hit them. Me, I prefer to get my crazy right out on the table at the beginning. Saves time.

When you're a family of five trying to date a family of six, it's all going to come out quickly anyway. Was my kid a jerk? Was my nacho game on point? Was my baby food judged because it came from Target? Someone once found a shard of glass in my yard and when I apologized, she referred to us as "the fun family". They were keepers.

As you may have guessed, I woke up worrying if I had offended our most recent guests. I texted my friend who had the same concerns. She said if she were to send an e-card right now, it would read, "Sorry my over-served husband was offensive and I was boring."

WHAT A RELIEF! Here's mine. And now for carbs and coffee.

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Filed under: Large liberal family

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