Don't give your kids a car from the tooth fairy or I WILL LOSE IT.

Guys. Parents. My people. We need to make a pact. The holidays are out of control. I'm not talking about Christmas and Easter (but that too) but "holidays" like Pie Day and St. Patrick's Day when you're not Irish. I'm not Irish. I'm not even from Chicago where everyone is Irish by proxy. I mean, it's fine to enjoy a parade and wear a green shirt, but my non-Irish child was pretty disappointed this morning that leprechauns hadn't tied our house into a rainbow. Whatever that means. I'm just saying. We've got to get ahold of our holiday-addiction as a people. My kid wants to lose a tooth because she thinks it'll rain swag!

I'm not a Grinch. (Okay, just a little.) I like to celebrate all kinds of things. This is a seldom known fact that I'd love to be disputed, but you know those gender reveal parties? I started that. Yup. I did it in July 2008 and then explained my party in the Bump magazine (print only), sang about it on my now-private old blog and discussed it at length on a now-defunct message board called iVillage. I mean, I don't care. It's just this thing I have to get off my chest.

I feel a little weird laying claim to these cut-the-cake-reveal-the-gender parties because it's like saying you invented Happy Birthday. Al Gore and I should have cocktails and cheers each other for inventing very ubiquitous things. It's true though. I'd actually love someone to show me pictures of their gender-reveal cake prior to mine because honestly, the whole thing is annoying. Like, how come I can't turn my ideas into money? The lady who invented Spanx is a billionaire and I'm sitting here in Target pants eating day old bread. Won't someone think of the housewives?!

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Bump Magazine, pages 18-19. We z-listers take pictures of pictures.

So, I'm not above celebrating. The thing is, it feels like we never have any down time not celebrating. We go right from Christmas to New Years to Valentine's to St. Patricks to Easter and do Pie Day and the Ides Of March. That's where we wear this sweater and speak in iambic pentameter:

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It seems like every other Friday is some new gift-giving occasion where trinkets from China are involved. Speaking of trinkets from China, when did birthday party favors get so out of control? Not to be the old man who had to walk up hill both ways to school, but for the love of crackers, what's up with the gifts bags stuffed to the brim with full-sized toys and American Dolls and Chanel lotion. (Actually, that's a great idea. If anyone stuffs that in a favor bag, I'm bringing a quiet learning toy as a gift.)

And don't even get me started on the fairies I'm writing letters to for no reason in the middle of the week. I'm serious. We're writing fairies now. I'm all for the magic of childhood, and it was cute the first 200 days, but I can't keep this pace up. Now she wants to see fairy clothes and is wondering where the fairy dust is trailing into the house. I told her the fairies took a break during winter, but apparently they're on duty again.

Look what is for sale now. FAIRY DOORS.

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I'm just saying, maybe we need to pipe down a notch on the extravagant holidays. It's to the point where it's not special anymore.   After the last Christmas gift was opened (one of seeming thousands) my kids wanted to know where the rest were. What? Some people have more than one tree and Santa visits them all? HUH? Then by 2:00 Christmas afternoon they're asking for the iPad.

Okay, now that I've killed all the fun in America, I'm off to buy some chocolate coins before my kid gets out of school. I wish I had time to edit this and make more jokes and drum up a few special gifs and fairy dust to leave you in magical wonder, but the baby naps at noon.

Pact = broken.


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Filed under: Grinch the season

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