In defense of the friendly three-way

I saw little meme floating on Facebook that captured the difference between male and female friendships. In one picture, there was a woman hugging a group of ladies and saying, "I love you guys! You mean so much to me!" and the caption was, "friendship lasts 2-3 years". Next to it was a picture of two bros saying things to each other like, "you're an asshole" and the caption was, "friends for life". Yup, I'm kind of a friendship drifter and worse, it's because my favorite friendship arrangement is the least popular: the dreaded friend three-way. Allow me to pitch this oft-dismissed arrangement! Oh, and just to clarify, I am speaking mainly of my friendships with other women.

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1. Friendship three-ways alleviate burden. I guess unlike most women, I don't like much in-your-faceness when it comes to people. I like to have a good time, then when the show's over and I've said all I have to say, I like to go home and take my pants off and nerd around the interwebs. Female friendships are usually too intense for me to keep up.

I reached a boiling point with a roommate once because she would not let me have a private thought. Since we lived together and we were besties, the obligation somehow got out of control and I was expected to share every single feeling that ever floated through my brain space. Changed my mind about the beard on the guy in 3A? HAD TO DISCLOSE. Thinking of doing gray boots instead of brown this fall? HOW COULD I KEEP THIS FROM HER. The whole thing wore me out until I discovered the brilliance of a three-way. Suddenly with a third chick around, there was someone to occupy this BFF of mine and I didn't have to do so much work, but I still enjoyed company when I wanted it. Think of it as sister-wives of the platonic variety.

2. Friendship three-ways open the gossiping networking opportunities. More people = bigger world. I'm not suggesting two parties get together to talk about the third, I'm saying three women are going to have a more interesting conversation than two. If it's just me sitting there spouting my opinions or listening to a whine, things can get dull. You need that extra person to add energy, but any more than that and someone dominates or people break off into smaller conversations. I want to hear it all. Seriously, tell me more about the twerking. Table for three, please.

3. More spies. If you have two loyal BFFs, you have more eyes and ears reporting back what people said about you at those events you blow off. Hi, I might have social anxiety. Which brings me to . . .

4. Outsourcing! Having a friendship three-way is great for getting out of things you don't want to do, and yet your bestie is not left hanging. My best mom friend circa 2010-2012 wanted to go out to moms' nights all the time, but she liked to do so in large groups, which I hate. I don't trust groups because I'm paranoid of subgroups that do not include me. I avoid them. Once we introduced the third wheel to our friendship trike, my BFF had a "date" to mom's night and I could live vicariously by hearing all about it. Also, I was free to get pregnant and she still had a drinking buddy. This probably makes no sense to someone who enjoys groups. Who are you people, anyway?

A number of people have commented on potential problems of me having three daughters. One of them being left out, for example. Are you kidding? I'll be sure to teach them that's the best spot to be. Let the other two burn off their energy and you swoop in for the important stuff. I imagine a sister three-way friendship is the best because they are under obligation to be your bridesmaids whether you show up for their direct sales parties or not.

All hail the three-way!

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