Archive for January 2014

Post-partum depression isn't "real"

I don’t feel so great guys. It’s like I’m wearing a lead hat and earmuffs when it comes to feeling things (besides worry). The baby is eleven weeks old, past the time when I should be back to normal, but I’m in this weird perma-schlump. I finally worked up the nerve today to call my... Read more »

Television is nursing me through Chiberia

Quick! There’s a woman on My Strange Addiction right now whose family sprinkles baby powder on their donuts. (Healthy!) The daughter is coming out to her family that she eats make-up on the side. They’re all throwing their hands up like, “ewww! So gross! You have to stop!” while the bottle of butt powder they... Read more »

The best mom things I bought in January

1. Kerastase shampoo & conditioner. I feel kinda stupid taking a selfie because I'm not a teenager. Also, please excuse my mom thumb making a cameo, I don't have all day to get this perfect BUT IS MY HAIR NOT AMAZING??!! This is me on the way to take my kids to dance today after using Kerastase Reflection Bain Chroma Riche shampoo & Kerastase Nutritive Lait Vital-Protein Conditioning Milk conditioner. You might like to know I did not blow dry my hair. Nor did I straighten/curl it, brush it, comb it nor apply a single product. NOTHING. All I did was use this shampoo & conditioner and go to bed with wet hair. NOT A LIE.  Now. Allow me to disclose the stuff ain't cheap. If I would have known how expensive it was, I never would have bought it. On the way out of my salon visit I asked my stylist to recommend some products. RULE OF LIFE: Never reason, "eh, how much can it be" because that number might be $58 for f'ing bottle of shampoo. However. That said. Kerastase 4 life. You're welcome. (PS, yes I look old, no I do not sleep.)
When you shop in December, it’s for other people. Did they like their typewriter key necklaces and elaborate man sweaters? The world may never know. January is my jam, though. I shop for me! I tried out a bunch of stuff because it’s cold and I’m bored. Now with good hair and soft feet, I’m... Read more »
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Awesome things about having all girl children

1. Mix and match everything. All the outfits match in my house because everything is one color and everyone agrees what color that is. Pink. Don't fight it. Don't politicize it. Just accept it.
Since I have a newborn and two (barely) older kids, I’m basically in mom jail until 2018. Alinea? Kids at Elton John tributes? Lost on me. I just park it on the couch and yell orders to people. I suppose I do haul these people to dance class twice a week, which means I only... Read more »

Why 3D printing your unborn fetus is a bad idea

Why 3D printing your unborn fetus is a bad idea
If you happen to be reading this while swimming in your platinum bath tub filled with gold doubloons (and you are pregnant with a baby friend) (and you are EXTREMELY IMPATIENT to hold that baby) (and you want a terrible gift for your mother-in-law) listen up because the scope of Things That Can Be Seen... Read more »

Oh no! My kid wants a party but she has no friends!

Hi there. If you’re reading this from the future, stop right now and rinse your brain out with soap. Just forget all about that this whole thing I’m about to say. Maybe you could get a lobotomy later, or something? Agree? But it’s true!┬áThe kid has no friends. I mean yet. But she wants a... Read more »
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What wives really do when husbands go on business trips

I get to wear ugly pajamas. Normally I put on the minimal appearance of not being a gross, but the second hubs is gone. BOOM. I'm in Snuggie town. Except Snuggies are fit for being pictured on television. The real scenario involves white gym socks and a t-shirt I got from a fraternity party in 2001.
When hubs tells me he’s going on a business trip, I dread it. I’ll hope March never arrives and I envision myself rocking back and forth with a steak knife in each hand listening for door janglers, like, COME AT ME BRO. I think of the days and nights and days of handling three kids... Read more »

Barbies now, how to split my jewelry when I'm dead later

In the past 20 minutes, my kids have asked me to settle the following disputes: B’Stell (that’s the 2014 spelling of Buh-Stell, since I have even less time now. Maybe by 2015 she’ll morph into just Buh and then she’ll stop having a name altogether once my communication devolves into a series of grunts. You... Read more »

Why car dealerships should stay closed on Sundays

I’m in the mood for good rage fest, how about you! Millionaire politician Jim Oberweis is manipulating voters with a bill he rolled out Nov 20 that attempts to lift the ban on car dealerships doing business on Sundays in Illinois. Before we get into why that is a stupid idea, please note the timing:... Read more »
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In defense of the friendly three-way

I saw little meme floating on Facebook that captured the difference between male and female friendships. In one picture, there was a woman hugging a group of ladies and saying, “I love you guys! You mean so much to me!” and the caption was, “friendship lasts 2-3 years”. Next to it was a picture of... Read more »