ZOMG! It's David Sedaris! Okay, an imaginary David Sedaris who did not authorize this pretend interview, nor provide any quotes but here he is! In the fictional, figurative flesh, just sitting at a bar in my mind. What are the chances?
Me: Thanks for meeting with me David. Can I call you that, or are you into Monsieur Sedaris because as a low-ranking blogger, it feels weird to be on less formal terms than your French dentist whom you make appointments to see for social reasons. Was that true, by the way? Did you really enjoy nine hours of dental work for the company?
David Sedaris: I enjoy two types of people. Lowlifes with no ambition and experts in fields other than my own. I told you, I hate writers. I don't know why you're here.
Me: Um, to copy your brain cells. Duh. Also to get a glimpse of your sister Amy because she's my spirit animal.
David Sedaris: Ah, the spirit animal. Is that something from We Tube or My Face? What is it, Twatter? You know what you're problem is? Social media. "Vines" are all the rage now. It used to be that people appreciated full length films. Kids used to spend entire summer days watching three-hour movies back to back in the theater. You used to buy a ticket in the morning and watch Schindler's List twice just to get your money's worth before sneaking into War And Peace. It didn't matter if it made you want to kill yourself, you appreciated it. Now people watch a three-second gif on their eye phone and we wonder why Miley Cyrus was almost Time's Person Of The Year. If you can't shock someone dead in under a minute you have no social media cache.
Me: Deep. Is your dad here? I was hoping to see him without pants. I mean, not like that, but you always talk about he gets angry and blows off steam and yet never wears anything on the bottom. You said he was powerful, but cartoonish like a bear suited up for a job interview. Do you say these things to embarrass him?
David Sedaris: I tell stories about my dad because they sell books and I like to have money to spend on things like shelter and food. If I really wanted to embarrass my dad, I'd just get fat.
Me: You said Amy once wore a fat suit during her entire Christmas visit just to test him.
David Sedaris: I think she also did it because it's fucking cold in my parents' house. I told him, I said, "dad, I can help pay your heating bill if it means that much to you. I'm 56 years old. I think I'm old enough to touch the thermostat now". 42 degrees in that house. I'm surprised he doesn't wear a fat suit. We spent two weeks last January just sanding down our goose bumps after the visit.
Me: That cold and still no pants?
David Sedaris: It's that cold and he still puts ice in his drink. If he moved to the Arctic pole he might finally be satisfied, but only if the furniture were carved from ice like those sculptures you see of mer-people at weddings.
Me: Damn, that's a cold ass honkey.
David Sedaris: Are you quoting that Macklemore character? Thrift store shopping. Now there's a trend. Donate something from a department store, one that takes coupons. Doesn't matter how not-hip the item is. Mom jeans. Underpants with built-in flatulence pads. It gets laundered through the thrift store machine like hipster dirty money, sell it for a quarter and it shows up in a music video. I can save your quarter. Go directly to my sister Gretchen's laundry room and grab the stuff she bought on clearance with her Kohl's card.
Me: It's eleven minutes past 9:00. I think I have to hit publish now. In my next life, when I'm a cantankerous, ex-pat gay man who enjoys the dentist, I'm calling myself Monseiur Sedaris.
David Sedaris: I recommend pants.
This has been part of the "A seat at the bar" series with some of my ChicagoNow homies. Enjoy the rest here!
Like, share this post and read more mildly amusing stuff on my Facebook page!
Also, sign my petition against the EPA for allowing a harmful herbicide, known to cause the birth defects that claimed my daughter, to continue to contaminate our public water supply. Don't get sick, get MAD!
Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.
Filed under: This has nothing to do with anything