Archive for December 2013

There are two of me

A midwife I’d barely met tapped into something very astute about me when I was in labor. A few hours previously, I had rejected her suggestion of narcotics for pain because, well, the word “narcotic” scared me. Wasn’t that for druggies on the news? Krokodil and crack pipes, etcetera? (I feel like an old person... Read more »

2014: Vow to be small and easy

The only New Year’s resolution I ever kept was my vow to stick to one cup of coffee a day in 2003. Done. If I try to get too huge with my goals (I will conquer abstract math! I will power through one-thousand crunches per morning!) I’ll just end up defeated on the couch like... Read more »

I want to be the second wife

I need one of those it’s-worth-it moments. You know, when the kids are being cute and I can look directly into the camera with my steaming mug of smug and say, “THIS is happiness!” I don’t feel that right now. Today it feels like I might have made a big ole huge mistake with my... Read more »
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A Seat at the Bar, with David Sedaris

ZOMG! It’s David Sedaris! Okay, an imaginary David Sedaris who did not authorize this pretend interview, nor provide any quotes but here he is! In the fictional, figurative flesh, just sitting at a bar in my mind. What are the chances? Me: Thanks for meeting with me David. Can I call you that, or are... Read more »

Don't mess with granny: a holiday tale of caution

Christmas is one week away. Today was my very last chance to get to the grocery store, considering my house arrest of small babies and a husband whose interest in the science of cloning would only be to duplicate his body like some kind of flesh robot so he could spend more time at work.... Read more »

It's always the mother's fault

We lost my two-year-old in a holiday crowd yesterday and when I say “we” I do not mean me. A dark, packed theater full of Nutcracker patrons was just beginning to drain into the lobby of the park district when someone turned to me and said, “where’s Stella?” What do you mean, where’s Stella?! And... Read more »
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All I want for Christmas is LEAVE THE DAMN BABY ALONE

When a crazed stranger with dead-cat hair stuck her finger in my 8-day-old child’s mouth at the grocery store, I didn’t have the foresight to have her arrested or at least scream a little. It was 2008. As usual in these situations, I froze and debated about it later, about how I should have cracked... Read more »

Parenting: Five years is the time limit on screw ups

Before I met your dad, I cultivated broad interests to bring to my parenting arsenal. Here I am gaining life wisdom at Burning Man.
Welp, my time is up guys. My oldest kid turns five next week and according to an unofficial poll amongst my highly-not-scientific friends, this is the age when she will for sure remember things from now on. It’s not that I hope she forgets everything before now, maybe just Miley Cyrus lyrics. From now on,... Read more »

No, I cannot leave my baby for just one night

I noticed it’s December. Suddenly there’s a tree in my house and people are acting grumpy in stores. Sometimes those people are me, like when I muttered, what the shit is going on! when two of my 500 kids were screaming and I dropped a tray of cookies in the parking lot yesterday. A nice... Read more »
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I told my kids I'm gorgeous

I never go to Kohl’s. I don’t know what struck me to go to a department store on Black Friday – I think it was an ad for a half price Barbie Volkswagen or maybe the allure of being near Target without having to stop in, like when my newborn insists to sleep with my... Read more »