I'm living on a diet of Edible Arrangements and the homemade brownies my neighbor baked. My sister-in-law has been the fairy godmother of errand running. On Saturday, a picnic lunch is coming my way and next Friday, I believe I have plans to stare at the wall with a friend I've known since second grade. I've had a stream of offers, all accepted, for hugs.
We're not having a great week in my house, see. We're down a twin. The tough part of me says, "nature didn't want the baby to suffer" and the me side of me says, "THAT WAS MY BABY!" before collapsing into a mound on the first available padded surface (sometimes in a waiting room in a chair covered in institutional fabric). Sorry to be a downer, but this, for lack of a better word, sucks.
My friends, however, are decidedly rad.
I kept saying the past few days that I'd have a meltdown as soon as I got the chance. Yesterday, after an ultrasound confirming what I already knew, I finally had the time to have a fantastic, lonely cry. I'm sad. (I know. I'm the world's deepest thinker.) It was the ugly kind of cry that gives you that freshly-punched-in-the-eyes look, complete with troll hair. In the midst of my wallow, an unrelenting doorbell interrupted my fog. I figured it was a mormon or someone taking a survey about which was my favorite cable provider. I took the excuse to face the sunshine, so I bit. Immediately, I broke down into tears again when I opened the door and saw it was an arrangement made of fruit flowers. (Some of them were dipped in chocolate!)
I haven't been the best mom lately. My kids are on a trash diet of cereal and peanut butter until I can get my act together about this baby thing, so the fresh fruit in a vibrant display was the perfect beam of brightness on one of the darkest days I've been dealt. My friends know who they are and I thank them.
After the sad confirmation that we did indeed lose precious Baby A aka "Squirt" yesterday, the whole thing has become more real. I'm devastated at the loss of so many things - having four daughters, everyone in the house having a built-in partner, being part of the special twin mom club, and of course, not getting to parent that child.
Everyone suffers. Some people have debilitating financial struggles, some are sick with lifelong grief, some have bodies that cause continual pain. Some have combination whammies. I know this day of pain will soften and give way to a more profound life story. I will get through this. I just have to reframe my thoughts around the living twin.
I'm not entitled to everything going my way. I just have to be grateful for what I have and fortunately, that is many things: a rad life partner, three little girls and friends who have formed the safety net that has kept me from sinking into the ground.
I'm not sure if I'll take a break from posting on this blog. I just need to retreat a bit, so I can come back in a more positive mood. I refuse to be a downer. Let me get my wallowing out of the way in the arms of the people who love me and I'll be back in a few days with fun maternity pictures and maybe fierce cartoon strips. I'll be me again. I just need time.
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