Why I don't wear my wedding rings

Until someone pointed it out to me this morning, I never gave a thought to not wearing my wedding rings. I keep them in a box and trot them out for special occasions, but I don't wear even a wedding band on a daily basis. That's right, I traipse about town with two small children and a pregnant belly with completely naked fingers. It never occurred to me that people would judge me as a wanton harlot. Maybe they figure my scarlet letter is in the wash.


So why don't I wear my wedding rings?

1. They are annoying. I just don't like wearing finger cuffs. I wash my hands all day, constantly slather lotion or sunscreen on the bodies in my house and otherwise handle, um, "organic material". Diamonds would get dirty or worse, disappear into the muck. What if they got lost? Remember that guy who trudged through a dump to find his wife's ring? See, I'm just being thoughtful!


2. They are too dressy. That fated day in Vegas back in '06 when we got caught up in a romantic torpedo that crashed through a jewelry store was not a logical day. To borrow a phrase that was popular that year, he bought me bling. Bling is for going out to dinner, not pushing a stroller through Jewel. Besides, what's the point of flashing a sparkly ring? Impressing people? I hate that game. Either people have less than you and feel bad about themselves or they have more than you and feel smug. Let's just not play this game and keep the ring in the box. (I knooooow, I'm the worst right? Because I could extrapolate this argument to anything of monetary value. There's just something about a useless ring as opposed to, say, a car with high safety ratings or house with good resale value that just gets the whole thing under my skin. I mean, not like my ring is fit for Liz Taylor in the first place, but it still feels ostentatious in a world where people can't eat. But that's ME, not YOU so flash your disco ball around town and forget we ever had this discussion.)

3. I'm trying to pick up dudes. Stained yoga pants and maternity tops are so hott this season. Minimalist make-up and arms full of screaming kids? Bro magnets. I've got a devastating configuration of desire over here, people. On a serious note, I swear the checker at CostCo flirted with me once.


So there you go. I love my husband and I even like him. He made me laugh so hard at dinner last night the maitre d sent over a free dessert, figuring it was a special occasion. I just choose not to wear my material symbol of commitment. Awkward? Sort of. I should really bring those suckers out more.

Are there any other minxy married jezebels with naked fingers who want to give me a little amen? Or am I in this boat alone?

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