Things you only do when you're pregnant HINT: Twitter fights

So far I've spent nearly two years of my life being pregnant -and counting!- and I've noticed when I have a belly full of baby (and pizza, let's be honest) I turn into a different person. It's not so much like Clark Kent v. Superman or Hulk vs. Not Hulk, but more of an odd transition between equals. Like when Patty Duke puts on a twin set and plays her identical cousin. All of a sudden I'm making dirty jokes and drinking glasses of milk. Like, who is this person? Let me count the ways.

1. I have a bawdy side that comes out. Normally, I'm a lady who wears high neck sweaters to open bar parties, but get a little progesterone in me and I'm stripping nude and responding to my blog commenters with vaguely S&M pictures of Trent Reznor. All of a sudden I'm asking public questions on sex blogs under my own name and posing nude for maternity pin-up shoots (results forthcoming!) I'm not sure if it's because I feel above reproach since I'm a matronly lady with a genteel exterior or I just have more body confidence when I feel like a powerful creator. Maybe it's some combo of the two. WHO HAVE I BECOME? Also, don't lie. This is hot:

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Image credit: I guess his mama since I found it in my personal archives from 2006. Sue me for loving it. MEOW!

2. I take no shit. Like, absolutely zero shit is taken from me at any given time. I write ragey blog posts about any injustice that crosses my path and I am not shy to correct anyone who pisses me off. I think I've told off my boss three times and my kids have never been so well-behaved. It's not that I yell (I don't have the energy for that and it would interrupt my eating game) I just sprout a non-shit-taking articulate gene. I even got in my first Twitter fight the other day! My fear is this is going to return during menopause and I'll be one of those old ladies on the bus who just spits truth in public, whenever. She'll be sitting there alone and just be like, "YOU'RE FAT! YOU'RE ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE FAT". Embarrassing.

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3. I drink tall glasses of milk. Just another nasty, awesome thing I do when I'm pregnant.

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4. Not sucking in. Flaunting the belly. Wearing tight shirts and not giving a crap. Usually I live in Spanx and plot to remove my ribs, but not during this delicious time! Not that there's much sucking in to be done when you're 5'2" on your third pregnancy with twins, but I'm relishing this bump. The first few months of pregnancy are awkward. I hate it. I'm emotional and puffy and just want to cry into my ice cream. Now that the fat-or-pregnant debate is safely apparent, I'm like a new woman - free and fierce! I MAKE PEOPLE, PEOPLE.

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I may as well gloat now, because this ain't gonna be cute in five months.

 

5. I Google incessantly. A history of my search terms would be as embarrassing as sad. "Fetal intestines at 14 weeks" is a start, along with "can a baby fetus get drunk on non-alcoholic beer?" and "if you get sick after sex does it mean your baby is a boy?" Now you know all there is to know about me! Have a great day!

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"Boys, we've got an IP address in Chicago we need to put on the watch list STAT."

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Filed under: Mom Body, Twins for the Win

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