Spiffing up dismal medical terms

The medical community needs me. I'm going to swoop in, plant flowers and take over all their bad medical terms so they sound more friendly. The bogus, out-dated diction of doctors needs a touch-up so they stop scaring people and making them feel like crap.

I've got an ultrasound looming, but as my medical papers call it (very uncheerfully, might I add) it's a "viability scan". Rubbish. They should rename viability scans "poke & peeps". Sure, maybe the reality is they're determining whether your baby still has a heartbeat, but why be such a Debbie Downer about it? I suppose they could call it a Sparkle Surprise and it would still involve a wand up my hooha and possibly a grim diagnosis, but would it kill them to put a little tinsel on the language? I'm trying to be positive!

In this spirit, I will now put my glossy touch on other terrible medical terms. Oh, and if you ever need a spin doctor for more gross words (moist towelette, cuticle remover), I'm full of good mojo and work cheap for Sea Bands.

These might be a little NSFWish. I know, a first for me. Pregnancy is making me bawdy.

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