Archive for April 2013

Is swaddling the new spanking? See you in jail!

Raise your hand if you wrap your newborns up like burritos. Ah, everyone in the audience. Mothers and caregivers since the beginning of time have wrapped little bambinos in blankets. The hospital swaddled my kids the moment they were born and although mine fought the practice once we got home, preferring to flail around and... Read more »

Why I didn't ask my oldest friend to be a bridesmaid

It was 1988 when I met the world’s skinniest, baddest eight-year-old – Leroy Brown if he were a brainy, white, second grade girl wearing Keds. We were like soda and fries the second we met. Chrissy had a puff of bangs on top of her head like a bird’s nest fashioned into a hat; I was... Read more »

Spiffing up dismal medical terms

"Acardiac Monster" is the real medical term for an undeveloped twin who has no neck or head. Mean, right? Supposedly it occurs in 1 in 40,000 births, which seems like a lot to me. That means 1 in 40,000 women have to look at their baby's medical papers and see the word "monster". Uncool, medical establishment. I say we focus on the positive and change this to Baby Feet Are Adorable Regardless syndrome.
The medical community needs me. I’m going to swoop in, plant flowers and take over all their bad medical terms so they sound more friendly. The bogus, out-dated diction of doctors needs a touch-up so they stop scaring people and making them feel like crap. I’ve got an ultrasound looming, but as my medical papers... Read more »
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To the IVF dad not happy about his twins

Our society is often criticized because of our “over-sensitivity”. Some say we’ve become a bunch of politically correct mamby pambies who boo hoo over simple things like . . . not tolerating racism. I for one, think our world is better for our boo-hooing. Without the free exchange of ideas on the Internet, how are... Read more »

I hate my (pregnant) body!

Any short ladies in the house? (You: AMEN) Any 5’2″ ladies on their third pregnancy with twins? (crickets.) Well let me fill you in on this little club. It’s full of people who look like walking fun house mirrors. The boobs are pendulous. The belly looks full term. The arms and shoulders have the rounded... Read more »

Were the Boston attacks in retaliation for racism against Muslims? Another Tsarnaev brother emerges UPDATED

As the manhunt continues for suspected Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, another Tsarnaev brother has emerged who was uninvolved in the Boston attacks. Zaur Tsarnaev, who plays Israeli football, was the subject of intense anti-Muslim racism from fans this year. A story from Moscow in January reported that Zaur was taunted with anti-Muslim chants during games and some fans... Read more »
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7 smells keeping pregnant women on the floor

Fun fact, pregnant ladies be complainin’. Today’s episode will be about how everything smells horrible and I’m unable to breathe one molecule of air without threatening to decorate the floor with vomit. I feel like a dying animal. If the apocalypse happened today and I had to go off the grid, I’d just say screw... Read more »

How does Target know I'm pregnant?

This post was written a week after my positive pregnancy test. I’m now nine weeks along (with twins!) and since Target knows, why shouldn’t you? Get caught up here and here. Three parties know my period is late: me, my husband, and Target. Yesterday, I purchased a winter maternity coat at an end-of-season clearance sale... Read more »

Who's infertile at 27? This mom of four.

I know I usually write Bitstrips cartoons and act like a fool, but I’d like to bring the real today. I’ve had a stress headache for more than 24 hours that has cemented my shoulders and nearly blinded me. (Not to mention the debilitating morning sickness. Cry, cry.) The days are blurring together for me... Read more »
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Hi, I'm surprise-pregnant. With twins.

We toyed with the idea of having a third child, which was great, because we're big sluts and got pregnant anyway.
I don’t really know how to say this besides just saying it – and by just saying it, I mean writing a Bitstrips cartoon for you. —- Like, share and read more stuff on my Facebook page! Type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam... Read more »