Fun fact, pregnant ladies be complainin'. Today's episode will be about how everything smells horrible and I'm unable to breathe one molecule of air without threatening to decorate the floor with vomit. I feel like a dying animal. If the apocalypse happened today and I had to go off the grid, I'd just say screw it and lay down with a glass of San Pellegrino and watch the mushroom cloud destroy all the bad-smelling things in our universe.
Hang on, I'm heaving at my keyboard. The actual keyboard is the problem, as is every single other thing made of protons, neutrons and electrons. Pregnancy can be a beautiful hell. There are still times when you wish you could eat, but you can't because, SMELL. If you smell one more thing you will DIE. I can smell every hand lotion and cracker crumb that's ever grazed across this lap top, for example. It's disgusting. Everything's disgusting. There is literally no air I can breathe right now and not be repulsed. Fabric softener? Spring rain? Baby head? Baking bread? I hate it all and that's supposed to be the good stuff. As for the worst things to smell while you're pregnant, I give you the Deadly Seven.
1. Perfume. I cannot stand behind an old lady at the grocery store right now. I'll just projectile vomit all over her cheetah print blazer and sensible shoes. It's not a Chico's kind of day now, is it, Grandma? QUIT WITH THE PERFUME. What's your next stop, the early bird special at the red light district? But this doesn't just go for overdone oh-the-toilets. No. The fruit-sized dictators hiding in my nethers are pathological detectives that can suss out events of a scene hours after they have unfolded, miles away. Was there a spill of grape jelly in aisle six yesterday? (Inhale, wretch.) Yes I believe there was. If there was any hint of perfume in the findings, I can identify it by make and alcohol content. The other day I had to throw out a whole cup of coffee because my lotion slid off my face at the microscopic level and somehow tainted my beverage. Mere molecules of perfume! Seriously, perfume is the worst. Also, coffee. And faces.
2. Breath. Why is a flower named after baby's breath? All breath is disgusting. As a matter of fact one of the first inklings that I was pregnant dawned upon me when every stranger's breath started bothering me. I can smell anyone's breath, from any distance. I can diagnose a diabetic from 20 feet. Go on, try me. Eat an onion today and see how long our play date lasts next week. If breath were fingerprints, I could solve any case, unlocking events days after they transpire based on breath alone. The killer ate a pimento sandwich and he went thadda way! And then I would vomit.
3. Hair. Why was hair invented? It's one of the most potent, wretched parts of the human body. I have found myself following people in the mall because they are one of the few people who has actually washed their hair in the past 12 hours just to drown out the other stench of hair all around me. There are people on Etsy who make things out of human hair. Like scarves! There are people who buy them. They are all twisted.
4. Body odor. I can't even type it without laying on the floor and checking out. However, I am compelled to state the obvious: soap + water, every day. Even Sunday. Why do people think it's okay to load up on perfume or cologne in lieu of SOAP and his buddy WATER? See item #1. Just wash your bits, people. There could be a smell-averse pregnant lady within projectile-vomit distance. You've been warned.
5. Garlic. Nature's feet. The problem with garlic and anyone who eats it is it lingers for weeks. I think my husband had a bowl of garlic last November and it's still coming out of his pores. Just step away! For the love of God, don't put garlic in my food. I'd rather you snuck meat in there because the garlic taste will never leave. It's like a squatter, just stinking in your body and scaring the neighbors. Eradicating it requires days worth of teethbrushing. Which is torture.
6. Toothpaste. I'm committed to brushing my teeth twice a day, but I knew a pregnant friend who went weeks. The smell and taste of toothpaste to a pregnant lady is pure venom. Brushing your teeth while pregnant feels like sticking a toilet plunger directly down your throat. There's no way to describe it. It's a hellish, minty suffering. A close relative to mint is citrus. I left an orange slice in a ziplock bag in my purse for week and had to throw away the entire bag. And. AND! I still think I can smell remnants of that fruity disaster weeks later. I never want to see an orange again.
7. Everything else. I just don't want to smell anything, ever.
PS- The one thing that oddly does not bother me is baby poop. I guess that comes full circle. I can't say I enjoy it, but I'm a mom. Poop is all in a day's work
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