Moving to a new area on the cusp of winter means the only people I've gotten to know here are my rad neighbor (we're lazy socialites - good thing we can just walk 20 feet across the lawn to toss champagne glasses at each other) and a mom at the preschool who drives back to Bucktown twice a week to drink up the non-suburban haircuts. So I tried to join a meet-up. And failed. My membership request to a meet-up group called the "Moms of the North Shore" was denied.
Rejected by a meet-up group? Isn't that like not getting into public school? WTF? Out of the blue I got a stern email that warned it was the "final request" for my participation followed by "you have been denied . . .". Eager to gather in groups of strangers for Old Orchard outings, I replied that I had never gotten any of the other requests. Also, I might have told the organizer their final-request email was off-putting. Well! It was off-putting! Listen to this:
"[B]y joining this group you are acknowledging that your participation in this group will be in a safe manner and in no way do you intend to cause any harm, physical and/or emotional, to any of the group members including both adults and children. Furthermore by joining this group you acknowledge that you have not caused any undue physical or emotional harm towards adults or children in the past including events that have been documented in a court of law."
What kind of crazy bitches have been rolling through this place? And I'm rejected? What, is there a metal detector and a diaper bag inspection at the designated meeting area at the zoo? Only non-psycho killers can meet by the penguin exhibit? "All mass murders and sociopaths have to swirl around unnoticed in crowds we're in!"
Possible reasons for my rejection:
1. I'm a Willbilly. Willbillies are the wrong kind of North Shore person, the type who have dogs and wear jeans and live on the busy streets that protect real North Shore homes from the vagrancy of traffic noise and teenagers walking to Lacrosse practice.
2. I'm Greek. Okay, I'm not Greek. I'm the most American person who has ever walked the face of the Earth. I'm like Abe Lincoln if he got highlights and shopped at Land's End. Niko is from Evanston though and there is the touchy subject of that 26-letter last name we have. That's it - we're practically from Khazakistan! Maybe they're afraid we'd stink up the meet-up group with pet goats and weird cheese?
3. The stated requirements are a lie. The meet-up group said they welcomed moms who live in the area and have kids between the ages of 0-5 and who have no criminal record. Hm. Math. My kids are 23 months and four years and my record is whistle clean if you forgive my parking violations. Thinking. There must be some other requirement I'm not seeing. Ah! I LIVE WEST OF GREEN BAY! Zingo.
4. There really was some sort of "we love you, you're in!" email message that got eaten by the interwebz as they suggested. I mean, not to brag or anything, but I did get a bid from AOtt sorority and I didn't even rush (it was my generic looks). So if I just keep my mouth shut, I usually get in places. Take me back, Moms Of The North Shore! I'm really great at being punctual and slightly judgmental of others. CALL MEEEEE!
Oh well. I think I'm going to start my own meet-up group, but since I'm too cheap for meet-up fees, I'll have to conduct it on my Facebook page. Our first outing can be to circle around the other meet-up group at their movie date. Required uniform: cut-off daisy dukes and Big Gulps. In summer, we'll tear some shit up at Gilson beach with white trash processed snacks while blasting Red Neck Woman. Hey, may as well be who I am. [Stops at T-Bell]