Guys, we live in a world where home made sex tapes launch legit celebrity careers that reward reality stars with millions of dollars for standing around getting pregnant. Since none of what I just said is an exaggeration and the rest of us with dignity or poor dads have to go to school and get jobs, it's hard to judge our own success amidst this bizarre backdrop. How are we supposed to feel WINNING? No matter if you graduated at the top of your class, you're not as successful as, say, someone who popped out of the right vagina. It's just a fact.
Besides, we're all in different places. Maybe you've been employee of the month at the Jewel for three months because of your stellar check-out rate and perfect attendance. Maybe you're a nurse and didn't lose anyone on your shift for two weeks straight. Maybe you're one of those guys at the mall who shouts at people to buy cell phones and you hooked three deals before noon. High five! But how are you supposed to feel good about yourself if some toothy unknown pops up on your newsfeed like "I just got the Playboy mansion, tee hee!"? Burn. Pop. Punch. But we work so hard and we don't have Playboy mansions!
Determining success by measuring material objects is just bad science. I've been in both spots. I've been dead broke carrying a Gucci bag and sitting on a downpayment for a house while wearing pants from Target with a hole in the crotch. You can't look at someone wearing $600 sunglasses and assume they have any money. Hello, credit. I knew a dude who charged a two-week vacation to Hawaii and filed for bankruptcy when he got home. I also knew a mean old lady with a purse full of hundos who tipped me 50 cents. There's just no way to equate success with things. It's too confusing! You may as well count how many freckles a person has and if it lands on an even number, assign them a positive net worth.
So how can we determine true success as a human being? Well. You can take this quiz.
1. What was the last thing you spilled?
a) I still have cereal dripping off my chin from breakfast six hours ago.
b) I knocked over some booze or weird goulash over the holidays, but I cleaned it, so it's all good.
c) I am extremely careful at all times and do not spill.
2. Do you cover your mouth when you sneeze?
a) No, I just let my sneezes rage into the open like a lawn sprinkler. I also pee in pools.
c) I wear a medical mask at all times for no medical reason.
3. Did you leave your infant at a strip club?
b) No, of course not.
c) I've never set foot in a strip club, nor have I ever seen a naked ween. I am a Ken doll.
4. When you break up with someone, do you stab them in the shower?
a) Yes, with my salty glares
b) No, but I do sign them up for Cat Fancy magazine and check the "bill me later" box
c) I'm very diplomatic and rational about my break-ups
Time to add up your score! A's get one point, B's get ten points and C's get -5 points because you are a lying serial killer. If you got more than two points on this quiz you are an AMAZING person with lots of success behind and before you. Not spilling that many things and remembering to take your baby with you when you leave places (usually) makes you pretty great. I'm just saying, it's the small things. You're not going to get a reality show or a baby named Kolor Tree. Accept it. Then celebrate all your other wonderful qualities - like remembering to flush and not being afraid to try weird pies.
You should celebrate by telling everyone you know by hitting "like" and watching me spill things on Facebook.
Filed under: Rage Against The TV