Jodie Foster's Golden Globes Speech: The Bullet Points

It started off being the bees' knees. There was Jodie Foster, called up to accept her Cecil B. DeMille award. She saunters up and sort of overworks an "I'm Fifty" joke and then builds up to what was sure to be a monumental moment in television history. Wait for it! [Pan to her mortified kids] It's COMING . . . . right . . . I think somethings coming? Something came everywhere and we're not sure what it was. So here's the breakdown.

1. Jodie Foster is single. Implication: Queen Latifah has a personal trainer.

2. She declared her sexuality a long time ago, before it was cool guys.

3. She must really work out. Her arms are amazing.

4. I'll bet she looks so good because she never drinks.

5. She took one sip of champagne to chill out and it went straight upstairs.

6. Her life is not for public consumption. Can't successful artists be honest about who they are without every aspect of their lives being on view on the TEEEE VEEE with a marketing tour? Jodi's life is not up for sale. She ain't no Honey Boo Boo.

7. I totally forgot about Taxi Driver. Creepy movie dude. I wonder if they'd make a film about 12-year-old hookers today? Is that where the Honey Boo Boo reference came in?

8. She loves her mom. Is her mom sick or something? I don't know anything about Jodie Foster's mom, but let's hope she's a spry young GILF who might be a little offended at the suggestion she's free to fly off to the great beyond whenever.

9. Did I understand that right?

10. Damn, those are some redheaded kids. And the lady she raised them with is still her soul-sister and sports pal, but unicorns got in the way or rainbows and confetti and let's just chill on knowing everything about everything about people so PRIVACY.

I think I got all that.

I might be all over the place but it all makes sense if you think about it!

I might be all over the place but it all makes sense if you think about it!

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