Mommy wars: The resume of a mom

Dear Sir or Madam,

Behind the scenes here at Chicago Now we've had some discussion about the atrophying skills of a stay-at-home-mom and what that does to her economic status. Also, someone said I lived in a golden cage, which is flattering since my real house has 60's wood paneling and my floors are usually covered in Triscuit crumbs and Dora stickers. Sure, it's not a glamorous position and the pay is crap (unless you count indentured servitude as high-rolling) but the job is worth having. So here is my resume. Please hire?

Name: Jenna Karvunidis a.k.a. "Mama"

Objective: To wrestle the pants on small people, accomplish at least 300 calories ingested per tummy, per day and not become an alcoholic

Experience

Pregnant lady, March 2008 - December 2008:

- Gained half my body weight

- Learned to barf out a moving car window and in a plane bathroom that I had to back into like a Mack truck (Beep. Beep. Beep.)

- Triumphed over immobilizing anxiety about stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS and people asking me about my breasts

Special accolade: I pushed for three f'ing hours and had to have my vagina cauterized with a laser, unmedicated, six weeks after delivery to repair internal damage. BONUS:  I am somehow anatomically normal!

 

December 2008- Present, Bee's mom

- Answer hourly questions such as, "how are eyeballs made?" and "do fish get married?"

- Eat CostCo samples and wear drug store make-up in order to afford dance lessons for 35 minutes a week where all they do is lay on the floor because the teacher has a hangover play "Sleeping Beauty"

- Can undo a Chinese knot in under a minute after years of practice on long toddler hair

February 2011- Present, Bee and Stell's mom

- Able to churn out two loads of laundry a day because I am a cloth diapering martyr. Look for me in my halo on my sarcophagus.

- Scramble eggs with the finesse of a short order cook because Stella eats like a man and poops like horse

- Able to carry two flailing, angry bodies out of any store, anytime. Just try me, missy.

Education

- Went to college, HAHAHAH! It's that hilarious?!
- Dora (Can you say "Mariposa"? In English we say Butterfly!)

Special qualifications

- Arm wrestling like a champ thanks to my stroller-pushing biceps

- Able to repair the ego blow of having $0 salary with booze and forgiving yoga pants

- Kind of The Stuff when it comes to boo-boos
Attached, please find this example of my momphotography skills.

Photobucket

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Filed under: Momenomics

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