Real estate showings are creepy.

How do people deal with selling their houses? We've been on the market a whole two days and already there are eight showings scheduled. Not only is it face-clawingly annoying to have the place clean all the time (I am not naturally a tidy lady) but knowing people have been in my house is creeping me out. Last night we came home and there were weird smells in the air. You know, like hair that doesn't belong to us and perfume of other ladies. Smudges I did not make! Closet doors I did not fail to close myself! There are probably microscopic skin cells of strangers decomposing on my couch at this very moment. Dear God, what if the buyers took a nap?!

I should have been a detective. No one has ever been able to lie to me about even the smallest detail and they certainly can't cover their tracks if they lay in my bed during a real estate showing. I found a weird shoe print on the comforter. Were the buyers just envisioning themselves living in this house while counting their earnest money? Or were they plotting my demise by creating a skin suit from my remains while wearing my panties? One does not know!

When I go to a showing I take in the layout, ask about repairs and take a mental ax to the walls I'll destroy in my next great renovation. I picture new rooms, different paint, Martha Stewart Living projects and Pinterest schemes. I don't go loving up in the master bed and gazing into the eyes of the owner's family portraits.

This reminds me of the time when we first got married and we left a few friends at our house while we ran an errand. You'd think guests would sit in the living room or drink a few beerskis. Well we came home to people cuddled up in our bed, under our sheets watching TV, getting their hairs all over our pillows.  I did laundry for two days after that and the violation took such a toll I rearranged the furniture. Also? We were newlyweds. Think before you put your face in our bedsheets. #DUH Staying out of peoples' beds is mutually beneficial.

The other possibility is that I'm an insane germophobe. I thought about calling My Strange Addiciton because of the number of times a day I wash my feet. What's that you say? You don't wash your feet in the sink every time you go to a new room? Well I'll have you know my germ phobia has kept me free of all social diseases and many community events. I have two friends and no illnesses. Be jealous!

Okay, folks. Check ya later. I have to pretend no one lives here for the next half hour. Maybe I should booby trap my underwear drawer. NOT FOR SALE.

"I wonder if the owners would take off a pinch?"

Filed under: Real Estate

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