An open letter to my dramatic 20-something Facebook friends

To my 20-something Facebook friends with endless relationship status updates:

You there, in the somehow appropriate tube top and the duck face selfies, I'm sensing a little ennui. Is your boyfriend on-again today? I know yesterday he was out, but today there are lovey pictures and you say he's the best. This makes me think the truth lies somewhere in between. He's merely okay, isn't he? You're "usually" happy (when you're not text-fighting) and he "can be" really nice. Allow me to remind you that you are not married to this person. If he doesn't make you happy, pick up your art school glasses and leave. Because let me tell you, if you're not happy when you're able to sleep in together every weekend, it ain't going to be a cake walk in five years when you get zero minutes alone because the 3-foot tall Nazi you share can't even wipe her own butt.

I know you're poor. Consider though, that the money you do have is all yours! You're not having to split your stash with tuition or childcare or $50 baby sandals. You can drink as much as you want on Saturday night because Sunday is for junk food and napping and apparently arty pictures of your sad face, you naive, cash-strapped person with skin like silk. (As a side note, are the 90's coming back? I'm seeing granny dresses again.)

What should be happening in your life is cheek exploding delirium. You should be face-melting happy in your relationship so that later, when you've been up the entire night with a demon baby sprouting her first fangs or upper-management job stress takes its toll on your weight or your husband's hairline, you can hearken back to those glory days when you were hot and you could just walk out the door to a sushi lunch with nothing more than a clutch. If you're not happy now, what glory days will you hearken to?? Don't let your best memory of your early days together be that time he paid for your fourth meal at T-Bell.

Everyone has bad days. I have them, you have them. But instead of your partner causing those bad days, he should be a beacon of happiness. When you forget your Go Smile at your own apartment (because you have the luxury of bleaching your teeth but not of owning your own home) your boyfriend should cheerfully go back with you to get it. He should not be overtly checking out other women or texting female "friends" or stinking up your car with his weed. (Unless you want him to.)

In short, DTMFA. Don't pick boyfriends based soley on the fact he's tall. By that reasoning, you should pick a dentist based on who has the smallest hands. Oh, and you might want to set your status updates to private. I know way too much about your Farmville game.

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