The skinny on my Lipo procedure [PHOTOS!]

So . . . this economy. In the crapper, right? Unemployment, foreclosures, gas prices. What about world hunger? Okay, now let's get to my underdog story about how I had a pesky glob of fat removed from my abdomen in an elective surgery. Woe is me, that fat was buggin'! I'm trying really hard to figure out how to broach this topic with sensitivity but it keeps coming out assholey.

If we can get past my vanity, maybe we can think of cosmetic procedures as economic transactions that spur the economy. After all, my lipo procedure meant a babysitter in my neighborhood earned a buck, a Chicago parking meter was occupied for the better part of a day and a local business gained a client. Thank you for assuaging my guilt a bit and now allow me to spill my guts about Liposculpture! (And if you still think I'm a jerk, well, maybe you could be doing something better with your time rather than criticize my hause frau blog. Clean water! Disease! Democracy! Go solve those world problems, tiger.)

The fact is two pregnancies have taken a toll on my body. Ladies, I'm not saying don't have children. I'm saying don't think you can live on milkshakes when you're pregnant because you can spend all day in the gym for the rest of your life and still be stuck with a pocket of fat around your belly button. That's the last resevior your body will take energy from in a food crisis. You could weigh 90 pounds after starving in the dessert and your body will still store an extra few calories just below your navel to fuel your last breath. It's just science!*

So I got Liposculpture, the little sister of traditional liposuction that forgoes sucking giant globs of fat out and instead, sucks tiny patches of fat out with banana-sized syringes. Did that "tiny" part make you think I was delicate? That my fat patches are wee and dainty? I'll have you know my stoic German spirit is the only thing that got me through because it HURT LIKE HELL. I didn't go under and remain blissfully knocked out by intravenous sedatives. No. I was awake under local anesthetic and not even completely numb in all areas. That's right, I felt the surgery. And it hurt!

The first order of business when I got there was standing up on a stool while two doctors and an assistant drew circles around my (dainty! wee!) fat patches. It felt like a sorority hazing ritual. As I walked back to the operating room, my gut looked like an old timey globe hemisphere complete with longitude and lattitude lines and circles for big, fatty, pirate islands.

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Then I hopped on the operating table and the local anesthetic began. Honestly, it wasn't bad. It just felt like a couple of bee stings. Ever been stung by 20 bees in your abdomen? Not too bad compared to being AWAKE and NOT COMPLETELY NUMB during a lipo procedure. Did I mention I was awake and it hurt? I'd give this procedure a 5 out of 10 on a pain scale, but keep in mind I was hit by a train in Amsterdam, have been in two injury-causing car accidents, gave birth twice and once had a cavity drilled without Novocaine.

The whole thing took about 90 minutes, then I just hopped off the table and went home. Boom. Now I'm wrapped in a compression garment and will remain so for several weeks. I did yank it off for a quick second in order to document my progress. Are you ready to gawk at the pictures? Yeah right, like you didn't pop down here first. I could be calling your mama tramp right now and you're not going to read it. Here's what you came for:

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Before . . . after. Why does my butt look smaller in the "after"? 

So there you have it. The cost was roughly a mortgage payment or 15% of the hospital bill to deliver a baby at Prentice, however you want to look at it. I haven't felt good about how I look in four years, so for me, it was worth it. The problem isn't completely solved because I have lots of extra skin that can only be remedied with a tummy tuck, but that has lots of implications I'm not ready for (months of downtime, 100% certainty of not having more kids etc.) so this is the medium-term solution.

I'll never be mistaken for a cover model, but the first time since 2008, I can go places without being afraid of people congratulating me on my "pregnancy".

If anyone says anything snarky about my body in the comments section, I'll ban you from the site. This was hard as hell to write about.

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The new moi has 500cc less fat on her abdomen, which according to my friend with implants, is about as much mass as one  breast.

(Sorry to bore all the peeps who already saw this on my Facebook page.)

*Science = haphazard theory I came up with

Filed under: Mom Body, You fancy

Comments

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  • Teehee, great post! ;)

  • In reply to Curtis Shaw Flagg:

    Um . .. thank you, Curtis!

  • I'm trying to exercise myself back into health and my skinny pants, but dang, even when I was at my skinniest as an adult (135lbs vs 168 now) that pocket of fat under my belly button was still there. It's probably doubled in size, and I'm always afraid people will think I'm in my 2nd trimester, when, in fact, I'm carrying a "depression baby."

    Liposculpture/suction has always been soo tempting if it weren't for the pain and the price. There are days where I wish I could just suck all the fat out and start over and pretend I never gained any weight. In any case, I'm really glad it made you feel better!

  • In reply to Holly:

    Thanks Holly. I debated posting the pictures because there are going to be smaller women who think I'm gross and women with bigger bodies who might feel down about themselves after looking at me. I say this with full honesty from my heart, We are ALL different and we're all in different places. You area beautiful girl and have NOTHING to worry about.

  • In reply to Holly:

    I wouldn't worry about it too much. Eat better, and tone the rest of your body up a little and it will be fine.

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    LOVE LOVE LOVE! Can't wait to spray that sexy bod! :P

  • In reply to Katrina Polansky:

    Yup, I need to make my way into The Sinless Tan asap!

  • Nice Jenna! Now about your friend with breast implants......is she lonely?

  • In reply to gwill:

    Ha, hardly!

  • It's sort of the cycle of life.

    Your husband works hard to pay for all the food that goes down your gullet.

    The food then goes to three places: Energy, so you can run your mouth and request more stuff; fat, so your husband can pay to have it suctioned out; and waste, when your husband pays for the toilet you sit on.

    And then the eating process starts all over again.

  • In reply to ArthurC:

    Sometimes I eat the dollar bills directly, then vomit them up in a grand display of frivolous abandon. You should see what I do with the credit cards!

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    I heard that Vogue isn't going to be putting the skinny girls on the cover anymore. So, I guess the "new cool" is going to be to love our ladies "fluffy". You might have to grow it back ;)

  • In reply to Adam Ferguson:

    Sorry to ruin the magic for ya.

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    You can tell I'm from Illinois / Indiana when I respond to that with "awe dang it."

  • In reply to Adam Ferguson:

    You're SUPPOSED to say, "oh no, Jenna, you're still so amazing, the exact same as you ever were in 1999". But I guess I'll let "aw dang it" slide.

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    Well now you've eclipsed the compliment I was going to give. I was afraid if I said something like that you'd say "Adam ... I'm married and you're creeping me out here" :)

    Of course you're as pretty, funny & smart as you were in college ... and then some. So, don't think I'm saying that because you put me on the spot here :) "Fluffy" or not ... you still hot. How's that !

  • In reply to Adam Ferguson:

    A woman's interpretation of what you just said:

    "Blahblurrrghhhh FLUFFY! bllurrrrhhhaaghghaa"

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    See what I get for trying to be funny. You win :)

    Let's narrow that down ... oh, BS you just want to hear me say it again.

    You were hot in college ... and even hotter with all your immaculate wisdom and wit.

    Note to the dude below ... we don't want a mustache ride !!

  • In reply to Adam Ferguson:

    Alright, thank you Adam. And thank you for clarifying the group's stance on mustache rides.

  • I feel your pain. Thirty-five years ago, I had my first C-section (second followed within 11 months), and the spinal anesthesia never worked. I howled like a banshee throughout, with my OB-GYN telling me I COULDN'T BE FEELING ANYTHING. They finally put me out with IV Valium after my son was hauled out of me. When I had my second C-section, I told the anesthesiologist that I would get off the operating table and sock him in the face if I could feel a thing. It worked. I didn't feel my feet for a week. But that's when you were allowed to be in the 'comfort' of a hospital for a full seven days. Good luck. Tummy tuck many many many years later makes you feel like you've been hit by a Mack truck. Feel better soon. Funny blog. I can really relate.

  • some new breasts would help with the overall look.

  • In reply to gpldan:

    Ha, I guess it isn't really apparent in my pic, but I'm actually 36D and do not wish to add anything.

  • Thanks for talking about this! I'm concerned that you felt that much pain. They should have administered more pain meds during the procedure. Anyway, you look good and screw anyone that wants to criticize you.

  • In reply to Amanda:

    They did! I kept telling them when they hit a new spot and they'd stop what they were doing and going in and numb it again. Then at the end some of the juice started wearing off, but I didn't stop him because I was afraid he'd just call it a day. I wanted that fat GONE!

  • I'm offering free mustache rides

  • Jenna I commiserate. My neighbor asked me yesterday at the Block Party if I was pregnant. *sob* I know I've put on a few pounds but jeez!

    I am way too scared to get lipo so I admire you!

  • In reply to Christine Whitley:

    Why do people ask such rude questions! As if it would be any of her business if you were. I've seen you recently and didn't think you looked pregnant at all. Maybe she had overheard you saying you want another baby or something.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again. PEOPLE.

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