So . . . this economy. In the crapper, right? Unemployment, foreclosures, gas prices. What about world hunger? Okay, now let's get to my underdog story about how I had a pesky glob of fat removed from my abdomen in an elective surgery. Woe is me, that fat was buggin'! I'm trying really hard to figure out how to broach this topic with sensitivity but it keeps coming out assholey.
If we can get past my vanity, maybe we can think of cosmetic procedures as economic transactions that spur the economy. After all, my lipo procedure meant a babysitter in my neighborhood earned a buck, a Chicago parking meter was occupied for the better part of a day and a local business gained a client. Thank you for assuaging my guilt a bit and now allow me to spill my guts about Liposculpture! (And if you still think I'm a jerk, well, maybe you could be doing something better with your time rather than criticize my hause frau blog. Clean water! Disease! Democracy! Go solve those world problems, tiger.)
The fact is two pregnancies have taken a toll on my body. Ladies, I'm not saying don't have children. I'm saying don't think you can live on milkshakes when you're pregnant because you can spend all day in the gym for the rest of your life and still be stuck with a pocket of fat around your belly button. That's the last resevior your body will take energy from in a food crisis. You could weigh 90 pounds after starving in the dessert and your body will still store an extra few calories just below your navel to fuel your last breath. It's just science!*
So I got Liposculpture, the little sister of traditional liposuction that forgoes sucking giant globs of fat out and instead, sucks tiny patches of fat out with banana-sized syringes. Did that "tiny" part make you think I was delicate? That my fat patches are wee and dainty? I'll have you know my stoic German spirit is the only thing that got me through because it HURT LIKE HELL. I didn't go under and remain blissfully knocked out by intravenous sedatives. No. I was awake under local anesthetic and not even completely numb in all areas. That's right, I felt the surgery. And it hurt!
The first order of business when I got there was standing up on a stool while two doctors and an assistant drew circles around my (dainty! wee!) fat patches. It felt like a sorority hazing ritual. As I walked back to the operating room, my gut looked like an old timey globe hemisphere complete with longitude and lattitude lines and circles for big, fatty, pirate islands.
Then I hopped on the operating table and the local anesthetic began. Honestly, it wasn't bad. It just felt like a couple of bee stings. Ever been stung by 20 bees in your abdomen? Not too bad compared to being AWAKE and NOT COMPLETELY NUMB during a lipo procedure. Did I mention I was awake and it hurt? I'd give this procedure a 5 out of 10 on a pain scale, but keep in mind I was hit by a train in Amsterdam, have been in two injury-causing car accidents, gave birth twice and once had a cavity drilled without Novocaine.
The whole thing took about 90 minutes, then I just hopped off the table and went home. Boom. Now I'm wrapped in a compression garment and will remain so for several weeks. I did yank it off for a quick second in order to document my progress. Are you ready to gawk at the pictures? Yeah right, like you didn't pop down here first. I could be calling your mama tramp right now and you're not going to read it. Here's what you came for:
Before . . . after. Why does my butt look smaller in the "after"?
So there you have it. The cost was roughly a mortgage payment or 15% of the hospital bill to deliver a baby at Prentice, however you want to look at it. I haven't felt good about how I look in four years, so for me, it was worth it. The problem isn't completely solved because I have lots of extra skin that can only be remedied with a tummy tuck, but that has lots of implications I'm not ready for (months of downtime, 100% certainty of not having more kids etc.) so this is the medium-term solution.
I'll never be mistaken for a cover model, but the first time since 2008, I can go places without being afraid of people congratulating me on my "pregnancy".
If anyone says anything snarky about my body in the comments section, I'll ban you from the site. This was hard as hell to write about.
The new moi has 500cc less fat on her abdomen, which according to my friend with implants, is about as much mass as one breast.
(Sorry to bore all the peeps who already saw this on my Facebook page.)
*Science = haphazard theory I came up with