Policing your spouse's diet - NO ICE CREAM FOR YOU!

I'm fancying that I saved my husband from certain fatness last night. After getting home from a 90-degree day spent yukking it up at the Midsommerfest, he wanted to go grab some ice cream for himself. Reasonable. A spot for scoops is a block away, so I figured he'd walk the mission while I babysat the deck and our sleeping kids inside. Then he made a fatal error: He got in the car. Come on, one block? You're going to drive one measly block to get ice cream? Is he paralyzed? It's not like either one of us are that tiny to begin with, he certainly doesn't need to save himself a whole 200 steps to get ice cream (of all things!) into his mouth faster. I literally stood in front of the car, pulled him out of it and offered him a glass of ice water. See? Cold and refreshing! Not 300 calories!

You might think I'm cruel for that maneuver. We already know my actions for a wee waistline might fall outside the normal range of concern  - Which is exactly why I'd kiss the feet of someone who talked me out of an impulse ice cream purchase. Are you kidding me? If my husband would have said "no milkshakes" during my pregnancies, I might not have ballooned into Veruca Salt. POLICE ME PLEASE.

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[Correction 5:23PM - Make that "Violet Beauregarde". Apologies to all who were affected.]

Friends and family are so well-meaning when they excuse bad snacking. "Oh, it's hot! Get yourself some ice cream!" a different wife might have said. The girl of his dreams would say, ""It's summer! Eat ice cream! Come home as late as you want! I'll learn to mow grass!" Of course, she would have a fat, alcoholic husband and sunburns to show for her leniency, so I say my extreme nagging is warranted. Run that house, ladies. Don't think you're being nice by letting everyone get chubby!

My unpopular opinion is if you really love someone, you don't let them make poor choices. It's not like my husband is deprived of pleasure. He already had a lemon shake-up, buttered corn, some kind of meat pie thing (???) and a few beers at the street fest. It's a little ridiculous to pile some ice cream on top of that hedonistic afternoon, no?

I should add a little fauxcern that I want him to be healthy and stay alive and all that, but what it really boils down to is I want him to stay looking good for me. (I'm such a dude. I also hog the remote.)

Oh, and I put mean signs on the cupcakes for us. Don't you wish you were married to me*?

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There is flourishing criticism for such "thinsporation" gorilla tactics, but if you're going to swing slightly one way or the other, I'd rather err on the side of superficiality and food issues than obesity. If you want ice cream, walk to get it. It's simple.

*rhetorical!

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  • It was Violet Beauregard who blew up, not Veruca Salt. Geez.

  • In reply to code14j:

    Oh, ouch, really? I've gotta get my Willy Wonka straight. And my 90's bands. Thanks!

  • I kind of have the 90% Theory. You are what you eat 90% of the time. The 10% ice cream and potato chips are not the problems, but rather the grains and its byproducts, such as bread and pasta, pushed by the now discredited official government food pyramid, that are culprit. Grains on the bottom to be scarfed in great quantities and we wonder why our bottoms look like the base of the pyramid?

    This is why the need food laws that are being passed in places like NYC are so good. Want a big gulp -- fuh-ged-a-boud-id! I see a wonderful day in the "forward" future where McDonald's will be only be able to be seen in the Junk Food Museum and Ice Cream a term that has lost its meaning. Michelle Obama will, I am sure, have Barack appoint a food czar that will work hard towards this goal. This is the only way we can bring about this change. Your actions at home are nice, but as we all know: men cheat. And the minute you are not looking, your hubby is going to be licking his lips at some Double Chocolate.

    Imagine, no Doritoes, I wonder if you can?

  • In reply to Richard Davis:

    "We all know men cheat" Ha! Probably. I'm kind of a nazi about organics, whole grains and plant-based foods, but he didn't get to be 200 pounds from tofu. I'll bet he's cheating on me with a McFlurry RIGHT NOW. That home wrecker.

  • Once they go McFlurry, they never go back. Sorry. Might as well start divorce proceedings now.

    The latest research on whole grains -- any grains that are cultivated, which are most-- is that they are very culprit in spreading our bottoms and bellies. Tofu, too, is pretty fatty, especially when you consider you have to flavor it with something. Tofu, eaten in large quantities by males may not be so good for them either, considering the fat and the estrogen properties. Organic here, unless you grow it yourself, is almost meaningless, unfortunately.

    I suggest the Chicago Hot Dog, followed by Deep Dish Pizza (minus crust), followed by Rainbow Cone. That is the perfect diet for living large.

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    I let my husband do what he wants, I know him well enough to know that if I push he just pushes back. if he wants ice cream he can have it...then I'll make fun of him when he is fatter than me. on another note the food pyramid is almost exactly what they feed cattle at feedlots (you know to fatten them up...)

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