Time Magazine: I'm trying to be mom enough! A checklist.

I assume you saw the Time cover yesterday with the uppity-looking blonde lady breastfeeding her burly son? The message was "Are you mom enough?" Let's discuss this. I'm trying to be mom enough. Well, according to Time's standards anyway.


- Blonde: Check. Thanks to peroxide and Moccocan Oil, I am able to maintain that generically attractive look that has the real effect of making me invisible. Want to hide an average face? Go blonde! It has been my experience when you are an interchangeable white blonde lady people ascribe their feelings of interchangeable white blonde ladies to you and come out swinging or swooning depending on the person. Secret: I'm really a brunette with a big nose and lots of opinions.

- Thin: I try. Who doesn't? I don't kill myself at the gym like my friend Stacey, but I've managed to lose 43 pounds of pregnancy weight by a) getting the baby out b) eating a vegan diet which includes guacamole and peanut butter on occasion and c) liposuction. No, I'm not kidding. I'll just tell you right now I'm scheduled for lipo next week and I ain't apologizing. Commence the hate in my comments section, but after being asked if I'm pregnant for the third time this tiny pouch of immovable fat in my lower abdomen is out of here, bitches. JUDGE.

- Breastfeeding: Okay, I did this one because I'm lazy. Seriously, washing bottles and mixing all that powder was too much work for this mom. I'd rather just stick the baby on there and go about my internettin'. (NAK is a common acronym for "nursing at keyboard" to show you how pervasive this hobby is.) Did I nurse my baby into toddlerhood? No, because I am vain. Did you see the above two items?

This brings me to my real question. How are we supposed to be "everything". Fit. Young. Accomplished. Beautiful. Super Moms. Man-snaggers. Friends. Making organic meals made from scratch, fulfilling our personal goals while simultaneously accomplishing cardio five times a week, keeping our homes and clothes and potty mouths clean? Women are supposed to be educated, well-traveled, well-read, conventionally attractive, pursued by a man, give birth 2.3 times, nurse for years and still somehow come out on the other end of all of this looking like the woman on the Time cover. Are you kidding me? It takes all of my hours in the day to keep my kids decently fed and maintain an outward appearance of a generous 6.5 on the MILF scale.

I could never be all that on the cover of Time. And to be honest, I'd give half my life to be Hilary Clinton, the real mom who does it all. (As for blonde and lipo, I do it because I want to and I can - but Hilary I could never be.)

Am I a weak person for feeling bad about falling short of these societal expectations or am I strong for semi-accomplishing a few? Are these ubiquitous expectations a product of a patriarchal society or mined from the desires of us mothers ourselves? I suspect the answer, as always, is somewhere in the middle.

Excuse me while zip off for a day at the zoo. Hey, that's cardio right?

Filed under: Mom Body, Preach, You fancy


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  • Thanks for putting this in perspective and adding a little candor.

  • In reply to Charles W. Johnson:

    Thanks! Candor's my game.

  • As someone who tried three times (electric machines and all that jazz) to breastfeed and failed miserably, I take exception to the phrase "mom enough". It's hard enough to raise kids sometimes, without the media inciting this kind of snugness and well, gobshite.

  • In reply to Expat in Chicago:

    Yeah, it's like every mom in America sees some different weakness in herself in that picture.

  • I want to know more about the lipo! I got my boobs done in December and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Like you, I've been very open about it and I think it's the best way to go about it. It's so silly to try and hide it, like lying about your age. I want lipo and a nose job next. Hope it goes well and you recover quickly!

  • In reply to code14j:

    Thanks! I just picked up some herb called .. . Arnica? It's supposed to help with bruising. My appointment is a week from tomorrow! Yay! The down time is so minimal compared to a full tummy tuck. It won't be as perfect (I'm combining lipo with a series of laser treatments), but I just can't afford the 4-6 weeks being out of commission. I wouldn't have been able to lift my kids or even stand up straight for several weeks. I'll report back after the fact and let you know if I recommend this dude. So far, so good.

    Good for you and your boobs! Mine are surprisingly kind of okay after this child biz. I'm not sure what my next step is. I'm doing a chemical peel on the 28th, but other than that I may lay low. You're doing your nose? I thought about that, just to get it straightened. Every model I see with a big nose catches my eye so I def don't' want to go small. I don't know. I've never seen your face, so maybe you are in some kind of unique situation, but DON'T whittle it down to nothing. More prominent noses are so striking. Actually, you're inspiring me to write a post about all my favorite people with big noses now.

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