Baby poop mud mask: A natural beauty treatment

Like most eco-conscious folks these days, I've been composting my table scraps and sprouting my own seeds to create free organic produce for my family this year. Sure, we have about as much "lawn" in the City of Chicago as most people have counter space, but we're just treading lightly*. We're amazing**. Do you feel terrible now? Well feel worse because I've also single-handedly just discovered the absolute best, most frugal, organic, eco-friendly, body-restoring, skin-rejuvenating, life-affirming, non-bullying skin treatment: Baby poop! I use baby poop as a face mask.

I was changing Buh-Stell's cloth diaper the other day and realized how wasteful it is to just throw all that poop out. I mean, that stuff was expensive to make. Organic strawberries are $9 a pound right now and all she does is smash them into her pie hole. And that vegan soy yogurt? $20 a case and she sucks it down like gas in a street racer. Then one day it hit me. I can be even more "reduce, reuse, recycle" if I smear this on my face!

And let me tell you, my complexion is radiant. All those locally grown raisins from the farmer's market and the lentils! THE LENTILS! Omg, they are fermented in the belly of my vaginally-delivered, extended breast-fed infant into perfection. The texture is like if angel tears mixed with the urban cement of Atlantis. Like if liquid gold melded into sacred volcanic ash from the Altan Ovoo. Paradise!

I recommend feeding your baby an all a vegan diet exclusive with whole grains, then exfoliating your face with Esprit del Fleur De Sel, prepping the spa area*** with Ebru organic towels and then pasting your mug with straight feces.

It's no big deal. People have been bathing in mineral mud for centuries. Cow manure is a high-priced commodity in modern agriculture! All I'm doing is allowing mother nature to be my guide when it comes to reinvesting the nutrients my precious offspring is presenting to me. Really, it's her contribution to the wellbeing of her immediate chain in the cycle of life. I consider it a gift. I can't have her self-esteem taking a hit. I must nurture that self-esteem by not rejecting her body's waste and being sure to publish any string of words she puts together. I want my kids to think they are so, so special.

I know some parents will not agree with my willingness to splash my face with my offspring's fecal matter, but they are just unenlightened. Hopefully in time everyone will become as aware, intentional and glowing with her child's excrement as I am.

I do recommend to avoid serving corn 3-5 days preceding a facial.

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*We are poor
**We are insecure
*** The torLet

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  • Ha! That's disgusting! Happy April Fool's day to you too! Do you also chew Stella's food for her and then spit it into her mouth like Alicia Silverstone does for her son? :) not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just gross.

  • Yeah, I thought it was gross too, but so is everything if you think about it too much. Babies come out of our crotches and eat food out of our boobs, right? And what's with them smearing spaghetti all over their faces? Rude.

  • A famous actress once admitted that her face is beautiful because she used to wipe her face with her children's urine from their diaper. Unfortunately, my children are too old so I have to go to the salon for a nice facial.

  • In reply to Tracy A. Stanciel:

    Your kids may be too old for dipes, but they aren't too old to pee! Bwahahah!

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