Katrina Polansky, a wee 20-year-old blonde, had just spent a day in the sun when she got "the phone call" - the one where her doctor told her she had stage three skin cancer. Four years later, she's healthy and owns her own business in Chicago called The Sinless Tan that uses organic products instead of the giant, cancer-causing sun to help her clients get a glow. (Want to know what I was doing when I was 24? Serving $1 coffee to cops and drag queens on the midnight shift at Clarke's. #lose)
I learned all of this when I went in for my first-ever spray tan. Me. A spray tan. I'm basically Daria in a blonde wig, so this was quite a step for me and before you doubt the sincerity of the claims I'm about to make, I'll just tell you The Sinless Tan didn't pay me a dollar to say this and I've never met Katrina before in my life. She is a lovely girl though. Now on to the facts!
1. I look like an Oscar statue. In a good way. I have never seen my face with color before, so this is new for me, but I like it. Very festive and apropos for tonight's ceremonies. I never got much more than freckles and burns from the sun and usually self-tanning lotion makes me orange. But this Sinless stuff? Golden.
2. A spray tan is like living in full-body make-up. I was on stage last night at an event at The Latin School and not only did I not wear foundation, I didn't even wear blush. That's like saying I didn't bring my arms to a party. Blush is my go-to, must-have, look-dead-without item and I forgot all about it. It wasn't until I got home that I realized my most treasured crutch completely slipped my mind. That is power.
3. I look like a different person. This is hard to convey in pictures for two reasons. 1. I left my camera at the event last night so all I have is my gritty cell phone and 2. Photos wash you out anyway. You'll just have to trust me that I'm bringing Coco vibes. Is that a good thing? Well all I can say is I never realized I have a square head and that I might have a chance with Ice T.
4. Speaking of pictures, I allowed a picture of me to be taken today straight out of bed. STRAIGHT OUT OF BED, PEOPLE. I do not allow this on Christmas morning. I take pictures of the kids opening their presents, then I disappear for a quick round of blush and eyeliner before I let anyone near me with a camera. If you think about, it's kind of sad. Maybe spray tans will give me a better quality of life. Aw, don't you feel bad for me now? I'm a lady who can afford spray tans complaining about my quality of life. I'm such an underdog.
Stay tuned, I might update this post with a picture of The New Me. Until then, please enjoy Coco.
UPDATE - The Sinless Tan found this blog spot and would like to offer my readers a $30 spray tan (I'm no math wiz, but I believe that is 30% off). Just mention "High Gloss & Sauce" in the notes section if booking online.