Archive for February 2012

Ohio school shooting: Time for gun control, guys

You know what a gun is, right? A tiny killing machine that just about any person can use against another, whose only purpose is to cause death or the fear thereof? Which is exactly what happened in a school in Ohio this morning and many other high schools beginning with the spree at Columbine in... Read more »

I look like an Oscar statue. Also, Coco.

Imagine this woman with normal breasts covered with pajamas from Target.
Katrina Polansky, a wee 20-year-old blonde, had just spent a day in the sun when she got “the phone call” – the one where her doctor told her she had stage three skin cancer.  Four years later, she’s healthy and owns her own business in Chicago called The Sinless Tan that uses organic products instead... Read more »

Car wives

You’ll never have a date for a wedding. Your family meal together is breakfast because your husband hasn’t had dinner with the kids on a weeknight since Christmas. Your vacations are all dealer prizes. Your month-to-month income chart looks like a series of McDonalds arches. Most people forget where they parked, you forget what car... Read more »
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Should paternity tests be mandatory at birth?

Every newborn in the United States is pricked on the heel at birth to test for Phenylketonuria. Do you even know what Phenylketonuria is? Probably not because, although it’s a serious condition causing albinism and mental retardation, it only affects 1 in 15,000 American babies. Now guess how many people cheat on their spouse. One... Read more »

I sucked at stand-up

I was terrible at stand-up comedy. I was all boobs and run-on sentences. The audience would just stare at me, like “What? No period jokes?” I don’t make period jokes, I don’t hate men and I don’t have any cats. Those were the main topics covered by local female comedians at the time and apparently no... Read more »

Resumes to get into Kindergarten?

Idea! If Santorum becomes president and encourages us to all home-school, I’m still going to be lazy enough to want someone else to teach my child. I imagine in this apocalyptical universe that, along with mandatory long, curly hair and fertility, I’m going to have to deal with a scarcity of open spots in the better... Read more »
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Your fat baby is not your fault!

Furniture manufacturers are outfitting American schools with super sized desks due to the increasing size of children, CNN.com reported Wednesday. But it doesn’t stop at bigger desks and chairs – even the toilets at schools are being put on steroids to keep up with the, err, “changing” size of American kids. This epidemic of fat... Read more »

Valentine's Day is supposed to be about sluttin'!

My rough concept for the cake sketched on the back of some junk mail with a crayon and a free pen from the bank - PROFESSIONAL.
This morning I made heart shaped pancakes for my family and served them on heart-shaped plates on top of a valentine table cloth. The girls are wearing hearts on their outfits and we got into sugar-sprinkled, heart-shaped cookies my mother-in-law sent, all on the heels of a very valentine’s first birthday party for Buh-Stell. Then... Read more »

Chicago Auto Show First Look For Charity (blurry, mildly interesting) pics

Comfy like a Cadillac - this woman was one of many ladies strutting around in cotton candy slippers at the Auto Show First Look For Charity Feb 9.
The hubs and I gussied ourselves in sequins and cufflinks (respectively, of course) and went to the Chicago Auto Show First Look For Charity last night. It’s a black tie, sneak preview event with food and drinks galore. Ironically, the Brazillian steakhouse Fogo De Chao was one of the only vendors with a vegan appetizer.... Read more »
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Do people say women have "character"?

After my Men’s Rights debacle heretofore known as Toilet Watergate I received a lot of messages. Most of it was hate mail, some of it in the form of packages delivered to my home that I was afraid might actually be a bomb if it weren’t for the mail man still having all his limbs.... Read more »