How to hide from stalkers

I was bored on my phone during Bee's dance class and an option to "check-in" to the dance center popped up on my screen. All I had to do was click. Boom, done. But what was the point of that? So my Facebook friends from high school can identify with my tedious morning? To brag that I was wasting time on my phone at a location other than my house? Please rob me!

Before recently, the only people who cared where I was were under three feet tall. "Checking in" didn't seem like a big deal, but all of a sudden I have subscribers on Facebook. What does that mean? Can they see where I check in? Great. An army of angry radicals can now pinpoint my time/space coordinates. That is not rad.

So I did a little thinking and digging and now you too can can hide from your stalkers by NOT making the mistakes I've made. Ready for them?

1. Set everything to private on Facebook and render yourself unsearchable. Your real friends will find you from your mutual friends.

2. Never do location-based check-ins on sites such as Foursquare, Gowalla or Facebook Places unless you want to be found. Me? I never want to be found. I'm found enough as it is, so this one has been incredibly stupid on my part.

3. Go to and remove your information. Luckily I did this about a year ago because I was creeped to discover they had pictures of my ultrasound they lifted from my My Space.

4. Delete social media accounts you are not using. Relics such as Friendster and My Space don't just disappear because you forget about them.

5. Unless you have a true, professional use for Linked In, set it to private and be vague about where you work. You never know when you will fall out of grace with a psychotic hate group. Right? You might! You never know! I'm just saying!

6. Have a big, scary dog, an expensive security system and very nosy neighbors. (This is one item I sail through.)

7. Do not put pictures of your children online or publish their real names. Sure, all bloody newborns look alike and you are SO PROUD to show the world, but surprisingly they grow up, photo by photo, and the next thing you know they are little people who can be recognized by weirdos. Not cool, mom.

8. Do not have a landline.

9. Change your routine. Sometimes we go to the Saturday dance class, sometimes the Friday, sometimes the afternoons. We run errands at different places, take different routes, alternate vehicles and do so at odd times. Follow suit.

10. Make sure everyone in your life knows what is going on and to be on the lookout.

11. Carry a box cutter and be a crazy bitch.

12. Change all your passwords and security questions.

13. Move.


And if all else fails, just shave your head and join a hate group! You will look so gorgeous and have lots of friends!

The internet is an interesting place.

Filed under: !Escandalo!


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  • fb_avatar

    Thanks for the tip about Spokeo; it's a scary site.

  • In reply to Holly:

    What sucks is you can remove your name, but not any handles you use. For a mere $2.95 people can know all kinds of things about you that were supposed to be private on other sites.

  • fb_avatar

    I've never heard of Spokeo, but I just went to it and a vast majority of my info was I'm put a little more at ease about creepy stalkers ;)

  • In reply to Adrienne Notess:

    Yeah, I'm relieved that not all that's out there about me is accurate either. But still. I was so mad that stuff I had set to private on My Space was able to be pilfered.

  • ... and don't use your real name on a blog seen by a whole city of 4 million people! LOL

  • In reply to publiusforum:

    Why not? People shouldn't be afraid to post their opinions in a country that allows free speech. NEVER did I think in my wildest dreams that anything I said would invite death threats and threats of bodily harm on my children. I'm not running a hate blog or even a controversial one. I just write about parenting and occasionally pop culture.

    But thanks for siding with the radical hate group that has targeted me. I'm sure the Tribune appreciates that from one of its own. What next? The printed journalists will start hiding behind handles lest someone crazy pick up the paper?

  • doesn't matter. People will invoke hate if there is hate in their hearts. I have a psycho ex-husband who cyberstalks me, told the IRS that we were married and I died 2.5 after I divorced him. I use my name, tweet, FB, 4 square, it just doesn't matter. I have my protections - that's what matters to me.

  • What? "Thanks for siding with the radical hate group"??? When the hell did I do that?? I made a little joke about a person worried about their personal info staying secret while they write a blog under their name for the world to see. If you don't see that as a slightly amusing juxtaposition... well, what can one say?

    While you are scouring the web for your name look up the word "humor."


  • In reply to publiusforum:

    Sorry. I didn't see the humor. My life just got hella serious lately.

    I shouldn't be afraid to write moderate opinions and post recipes and crafts.

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