I was bored on my phone during Bee's dance class and an option to "check-in" to the dance center popped up on my screen. All I had to do was click. Boom, done. But what was the point of that? So my Facebook friends from high school can identify with my tedious morning? To brag that I was wasting time on my phone at a location other than my house? Please rob me!
Before recently, the only people who cared where I was were under three feet tall. "Checking in" didn't seem like a big deal, but all of a sudden I have subscribers on Facebook. What does that mean? Can they see where I check in? Great. An army of angry radicals can now pinpoint my time/space coordinates. That is not rad.
So I did a little thinking and digging and now you too can can hide from your stalkers by NOT making the mistakes I've made. Ready for them?
1. Set everything to private on Facebook and render yourself unsearchable. Your real friends will find you from your mutual friends.
2. Never do location-based check-ins on sites such as Foursquare, Gowalla or Facebook Places unless you want to be found. Me? I never want to be found. I'm found enough as it is, so this one has been incredibly stupid on my part.
3. Go to Spokeo.com and remove your information. Luckily I did this about a year ago because I was creeped to discover they had pictures of my ultrasound they lifted from my My Space.
4. Delete social media accounts you are not using. Relics such as Friendster and My Space don't just disappear because you forget about them.
5. Unless you have a true, professional use for Linked In, set it to private and be vague about where you work. You never know when you will fall out of grace with a psychotic hate group. Right? You might! You never know! I'm just saying!
6. Have a big, scary dog, an expensive security system and very nosy neighbors. (This is one item I sail through.)
7. Do not put pictures of your children online or publish their real names. Sure, all bloody newborns look alike and you are SO PROUD to show the world, but surprisingly they grow up, photo by photo, and the next thing you know they are little people who can be recognized by weirdos. Not cool, mom.
8. Do not have a landline.
9. Change your routine. Sometimes we go to the Saturday dance class, sometimes the Friday, sometimes the afternoons. We run errands at different places, take different routes, alternate vehicles and do so at odd times. Follow suit.
10. Make sure everyone in your life knows what is going on and to be on the lookout.
11. Carry a box cutter and be a crazy bitch.
12. Change all your passwords and security questions.
And if all else fails, just shave your head and join a hate group! You will look so gorgeous and have lots of friends!
Filed under: !Escandalo!