A heartwarming tale of slutoween past

I debated telling this story publicly, but what the hell. Given the happenings of the last few weeks it's apropos.

One halloween in college I went to a costume party the theater kids were throwing. Those were always fun. Anyway, some guy decided to come totally naked (heh). His costume was cleverly "a naked guy". In the words of Rick James, cocaine is a hell of a drug.

The reason laws against indecent exposure exist are because no one wants to see your junk. I didn't want to see it any other day of the year and I didn't want to see it on Halloween. I'm a lady whom it is not okay to flash.  Also, just because it's slutoween, we're not all begging for it.

OF COURSE guys like this are drawn to me like Britney to a Cheeto. When I was single I was like a giant orange cone for ballsy, socially inappropriate stunt artists. It must have been my yellow hair. It's easy to see. So Naked Guy comes over to me acting all, "hey, this is my costume, what?" The joy on his face that he was forcing all his glory upon my eyes made me positively indignant.

So what came next was cruel and necessary.

In an event so atypical of me it has yet to be repeated, I looked him in the eye and uttered the filthiest, most x-rated phrase that had ever come out of my mouth. He had the reaction you might imagine - immediate and embarrassing - and then I walked away, leaving Naked Guy and his "friend" alone in the middle of a party searching for cover.

Hey, he's the one who wanted to put the ween in Halloween, right?

Have a safe night, people. The most exciting thing I'll be doing is pilfering my toddler's candy. I love being a mom.

 

Filed under: Memory Lane

Tags: Holla-days

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  • "I'm not trying to criminalize these guys. I love men. I married one! As a
    matter of fact, I pick and choose when I'm a feminist because I'm not down
    with man-bashing. However,"......I had to indulge myself here because I feel so embittered. So please let it go guys, and in return keep writing tactless articles rubbing in your face. Love Jenna ,<3

  • In reply to Antares:

    So in my asking that the preschool potty issue die, I am never allowed to write about holidays as they occur, link other media outlets that address gender issues, I can never recall my own experiences with half the world's population and I must be a refined lady at all times.

    Well, then. Knock yourself out with the potty.

  • Hey Jenna,

    A few things -
    I have no children and so, no pilfering candy for me. I could just go buy some, but it tastes better when it's been collected by the hands of small children. Am I right?

    I've seen my fair share of naked men. Never at a party, though. You'd need some pretty big balls for that. (pun somewhat intended).

    But what I really came here to say was...
    FOR REAL?? People are *still* going on about the potty thing???? REALLY PEOPLE?!?!? As I said above, I have no children, but I do have a gut feeling about a man stranger helping a child to the bathroom. I don't like it. Stats, feminism and progressiveness aside - men have done a bang-up job to give themselves the reputation as creeps, pedophiles, jerks, abusers and on and on. This is not just In Real Life, but in movies and tv and advertising. And even if it's not true (and I'll say, most men are amazing), it's what's been spread around about them. It's a mindset.

    Compare it to the crazy notion that women have to be super skinny to be beautiful. We all know it's not true, yet how many women are trying to lose weight - not for health reasons, but for beauty reasons? Everyone knows the error in this thought, yet they skip meals and jump on the treadmill anyway.

    And this isn't about excluding men from the lives of little girls (we have the Girl Scouts to do that for us), it's about trying to protect a child from a perceived danger. And a mother is going to do that for as long as she can. Because you know what? In 15 years she'll be at a Halloween party, absolutely smashed, getting much unneeded attention for her costume - naked girl and there ain't nothing you can do for her then.

    Now move on people.

  • 1. Buying candy to eat is bad. But eating the existing halloween candy to keep your child from having all that terrible sugar is a good deed! See? I'm a good deeder while enjoying Butterfingers. Yom nom nom.

    2. He wasn't even wearing a sock, although he needed three.

    3. Word.

  • Why just during Halloween? A ChicagoNow Tweet-Up is coming up in the next few months, hmmmmmm, interesting.

    Instead of you yelling at me, it will probably be Jimmy Greenfield, just before he calls the cops.

  • I've got the weird guy magnet, too. If there is one within a 10 square mile radius, he WILL find me. It's gotten better since I've been married, but only just. I even had one hit on me by using my engagement ring as a conversation starter right before I got married. I also had a guy who seemed normal enough until he started driving 45 minutes one-way to leave flowers with creepy poetry on my doorstep in the middle of the night while I was sleeping.

    I have never, ever had a naked dude though. I think you win the weirdo contest, and I think I love your way of getting rid of him.

    Oh, and on the potty issue: get over it already, people. If you want to keep attacking Jenna, at least find something new to be indignant over. She probably gave the guy the worst case of public blue balls he's ever had in his life. His rights were violated! He was left feeling emasculated! Down with feminist man-haters!

    See how easy it is to find new material?

  • In reply to Lindsey:

    What's weird was it wasn't even a feminist perspective I was coming from.

    I have non-American in-laws with extremely traditional values who think men taking care of babies is bizarro town. When they found out about my bathroom concern they practically threatened me with a taser if I didn't run my ass to the school that minute and start a shit storm.

    Yet I've been pegged as a feminist blogger because of all of this. The true irony is this whole thing prodded me into feminism. Life! So ironic!

  • You reject a guy's junk for junk food?!?

    Just hearing this makes me want to start a nude rights activist group!

  • In reply to Andy Frye:

    Fly that freak flag, Andy!

  • I don't want to see naked men strutting around either. At least not naked guys I don't know and certainly not at a party. I'm not sure what I would have done. Maybe laughed and said "now that's the funniest costume I've ever seen. Let me take a picture and send it to your mother."

  • Jenna, lets be honest. If you didn't want the attention from all the anti-feminists, you wouldn't have made reference to the past couple of weeks. You would have simply written you article and been done with it. I actually thought you were done with it and had moved on. Of course the most attention your writing has ever received has been due to that article...perhaps you are afraid you will drift back into blogger oblivion if people move on. If that is indeed your fear, let me assure you. You will live on in "Google land". Just type in your name and behold, you will witness your lasting legacy!...lol

  • In reply to johnthatsme:

    1. False, the most traffic this blog ever got were the days following my circumcision post:

    http://www.chicagonow.com/high-gloss-and-sauce/2010/08/oh-boy-circumcision-vs-the-great-uncut/

    . . . which was triple the peak traffic of this debacle (I had to turn off comments). The second most traffic I ever received was a post about Antoine Dodson.

    2. What was done to me was not right. The article about me on Register-Her.com is factually incorrect. (I never got a policy implemented at the school that addressed gender.) I also did not make up that statistic. ALL statistics are debatable, but the one I used was from Abel and Harlow Child Molestation Prevention Study 2001, revised 2002. It is available in pdf form at childmolestationprevention.org.

    Paul Elam at Register-Her.com has lied about me and crucified me for his own end. This is destroying my family. The truth is I do NOT stand for bashing men nor do I advocate for violence against them like Fabien-Weber or Vliet Tiptree. Why can't he just drop the entry and admit he made a mistake? If you guys had found NFW or VT a few weeks ago I would have never blipped the radar because what I said had zero malice and I apologized.

    MRM is nothing short of a HATE GROUP that is HELL BENT on causing harm and pain and stifling the free speech of any person who disagrees with them. I am not a career bigot. I didn't even know I would offend anyone and the moment I realized I did, I pulled the post and apologized. And yet, my life is affected forever? WHY? Because guys like you want someone to suffer the way men do? You have NO IDEA what hell my life has been. You have NO IDEA what I have been through and the people I love have been through.

    "Behold you will witness your lasting legacy" FOR WHAT? For expressing my opinion? You hate women. It's obvious. Whomever you are angry at, take it up with her. This "movement" is the most vile, disgusting hate machine I have ever witnessed and it hides behind noble principles which adds to its sickness.

    The silver lining is no one takes MRM seriously and certainly not Register-Her.com. Ha, I'm on the home page as a "featured offender". Me! MRAs can't even agree on whether I should be on there or not. Shouldn't MRM be going after people who are undeniably harmful? Whom ALL agree should be on the registry, not just someone Paul Elam and his minions got in a pissing match with?

    Whatever grain of legitimacy MRM has is drowned by the lynch-mob mentality of its members. I have every right to keep posting about this because this is continuing in my life. It didn't disappear. YOU may have forgotten about me, but I continue to suffer. Every. Day.

    When your disciples make good on their threats to my children or I am dead, I hope you and Paul Elam dance all afternoon. Have yourselves a chuckle, okay?

  • Jenna: That was quite a speech. That said, it was more than was needed. I still believe you could have written your piece without the reference which would have aided you in calming the situation. As for Paul and the MRA, I don't really know enough about the group to say if it is radical or logical. As a social worker, and a parent. I can appreciate your feelings regarding who toilets your child. I would not be comfortable allowing a volunteer doing the job. (male or female). I would have insisted that only qualified staff to that task. I would have addressed the issue with the school as well. The only problem with what you did, was how you did it, and who you claimed the problem was with. Then when confronted, you attacked rather than reasoned. I am glad you are able to laugh at the register her, at least you will not be bothered by it any more. I doubt they will take it down, and I support their right to keep it up if they believe it is true. Just as I support your right to laugh at it.

    I still think you will have a hard time letting this go, and an equally difficult time keeping the topic out of your blogs...just saying!

  • In reply to johnthatsme:

    1. "At least you will not be bothered by it any more" If by "not be bothered" you mean "bothered very much" that I am on a registry, fake and manipulative as it may be, then you would be correct.

    2. "I support their right to keep it up if they believe it is true" - even if it isn't? Shall I use your first and last name and write several high profile things about you that are not true? The MRM is a joke, but the SEO clamp they have is real.

    3. No, I won't let it go. As long as I'm still receiving nasty threats on the daily and my "profile" remains active this remains very much my business.

    4. What's your point? Would you like me to travel back in time and change my conversation with the director? Do you have some magic time travel dust you can sprinkle on the situation?

    I don't believe for a second you're not MRA. You are shape-shifters, posing as women and mothers etc only to be found out to be MRA in other forums otherwise you wouldn't still be camped out here throwing your two cents in the hat every day.

    My dad, a hard headed conservative single-issue voter in a red state who believes rich men are the most persecuted species on Earth even thinks this is horrible. If HE is on my side, then you know there's a problem, folks.

    Get a hobby. Buy a Kindle. Learn to knit. Quit camping out on my blog.

    PS- I just remembered I you got a ban, time to reinstate that Eric.

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