I debated telling this story publicly, but what the hell. Given the happenings of the last few weeks it's apropos.
One halloween in college, I went to a costume party the theater kids were throwing. Those were always fun. There was usually so much stunting you didn't have to do the work of carrying conversations. Anyway, some guy decided to come totally naked. His costume was cleverly "a naked guy". In the words of Rick James, cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The reason laws against indecent exposure exist are because no one wants to see your junk. I didn't want to see it any other day of the year and I didn't want to see it on Halloween. I'm a lady whom it is not okay to flash. Just because it's slutoween, we're not all begging for it.
OF COURSE guys like this are drawn to me like Britney to a Cheeto. When I was single I was like a giant wet paint sign for ballsy, socially inappropriate stunt artists. It must have been my yellow hair. It's easy to see. I'm always the mark. Naked Guy comes over to me acting all, "hey, this is my costume, what?" The joy on his face that he was forcing all his glory upon my eyes made me positively indignant.
So what came next was both cruel and necessary.
In an event so atypical of me it has yet to be repeated, I looked him in the eye and uttered the filthiest, most x-rated phrase that had ever come out of my mouth. He had the reaction you might imagine - immediate and embarrassing - and then I walked away, leaving Naked Guy and his "friend" alone in the middle of a party searching for cover.
Hey, he's the one who wanted to put the ween in Halloween, right?
Have a safe night, people. The most exciting thing I'll be doing is pilfering my toddler's candy. I love being a mom.