Second Baby Syndrome is on the rise among experienced parents who have a hard time giving a crap about milestones and minor coughs. This tragedy affects one out of two children in households with little sisters. Educate yourself!
While a first child in a family is guarded and observed 24 hours a day, receiving organic lentils at precise feeding times and monitored for slight changes in mood (and possible allergies!), a second baby will gnaw on a pizza crust at six months old while being ignored during a BBQ. Could this tragedy happen to YOU?
The self esteem of a second baby is in jeopardy, yet no one cares and they are probably better off anyway. Example: Second babies are not declared geniuses for noticing when the lights come on or stacking blocks two weeks sooner than the infant newsletter said it would happen. That's for first babies. So are new clothes.
Second Baby Syndrome affects a child's medical care. When the first baby falls off the bed, 911 is considered, Dr. Google is consulted, a call to the family doctor takes place and a mother will sit vigil over an obviously smiling baby for 8-12 hours until the "danger" has passed. However, barring significant blood or dented body parts, a second baby's wounds are merely treated with boo-boo kisses.
Could this be YOUR baby?
Warning signs of Second Baby Syndrome:
- Baby seems to have been crawling awhile before anyone thinks to make a video
- No one can find the baby book
- Number of teeth in the child's mouth is unknown
- Child is referred to by this formula: Prefix of older child's name + random syllable from child's own name. Thus baby Stella is known as "buh-stell".
Causes of Second Baby Syndrome:
- Too much wine one summer night (First babies come about through meticulous planning and peeing on litmus paper bought on the internet.)
Much like Sickle Cell Anemia's strange benefit of preventing malaria, Second Baby Syndrome also has benefits. Let's explore them now!
1. Second Baby Syndrome seems to create less fussy, less demanding babies who are just happy to get attention when they do. Or maybe the baby has been whining for 20 minutes. Who knows?
2. Parent is older and wiser, therefore calmer and not getting the baby all upset about leaked diapers or unfinished applesauce.
3. Speaking of food, second babies don't eat until they are old enough to grab a seat at the table and make conversation. Extended nursing is the lazy mom's way of feeding victims of Second Baby Syndrome without having to do dishes.
Awareness of Second Baby Syndrome will make a stronger America! Or at least make you not feel so bad about forgetting to put shoes on Buh-Stell. That was really rotten.
Filed under: Sage what!