In college, my friend Kara told me to always tie my hair up in a hot tub because she had a friend (who had a friend, of course) whose long hair got caught in a jacuzzi jet and the girl was sucked under the water and drown. Scary, right? I was 19 when I heard this story and thus my mental list of Shit To Tell My Future Children To Keep Them Safe began.
I know I'm a natural mother because really, what drunk teenager in a hot tub hears a story like this and thinks about starting a notebook of warnings for her own daughter(s)?
There was a story that came out yesterday about a kid who nearly died on the beach after digging a 6-foot deep hole on the sand before it collapsed around him, nearly burying him alive in a sea side grave. Add it to the list. Don't dig giant holes at the beach!
Other cautions I hope to pound in to my proteges little brains:
- Never go wandering in the Grand Canyon
- Strangers in vans don't really have candy
- Don't write anything down you don't want printed in the paper
- Always wear your seatbelt
- Don't sext with senators
- Avoid home perms
- Guys lie. Accept it.
- Keep your phone in the trunk while driving
- Wash your hands after applying self-tanner
- Sit right behind the glass at hockey games
- Don't play football
- Don't dive in the shallow end
- Always wear shoes outdoors
- And never, ever, under any circumstance order the squid.
Filed under: Uncategorized