Life warnings for my babies: No home perms, et cetera

In college, my friend Kara told me to always tie my hair up in a hot tub because she had a friend (who had a friend, of course) whose long hair got caught in a jacuzzi jet and the girl was sucked under the water and drown. Scary, right? I was 19 when I heard this story and thus my mental list of Shit To Tell My Future Children To Keep Them Safe began.

I know I'm a natural mother because really, what drunk teenager in a hot tub hears a story like this and thinks about starting a notebook of warnings for her own daughter(s)?

There was a story that came out yesterday about a kid who nearly died on the beach after digging a 6-foot deep hole on the sand before it collapsed around him, nearly burying him alive in a sea side grave. Add it to the list. Don't dig giant holes at the beach!

Other cautions I hope to pound in to my proteges little brains:

- Never go wandering in the Grand Canyon

- Strangers in vans don't really have candy

- Don't write anything down you don't want printed in the paper

- Always wear your seatbelt

- Don't sext with senators

- Avoid home perms

- Guys lie. Accept it.

- Keep your phone in the trunk while driving

- Wash your hands after applying self-tanner

- Sit right behind the glass at hockey games

- Don't play football

- Don't dive in the shallow end

- Always wear shoes outdoors

- And never, ever, under any circumstance order the squid.

 

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    Hi! I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your blog...I actually stumbled upon it a while ago under some very coincidental conditions. (It would probably sound too creepy if I said it all.) But, oddly enough, we grew up in the same area (Holla, southwestern Indiana!). Even more oddly, my husband and I totally saw you at Mesker Park Zoo today. My husband was like, "Why didn't you introduce yourself?" I figured it'd be too creeptastic...so I thought maybe it was a sign for me to say that I think you're a very clever writer! Keep up the great work. :)

  • Woah! You're kind of making my life right now. Except at this moment I realize I can't leave the house without my Spanx, even if it is to hide out at the zoo in my hometown, population: 8. Crap!

    Thank you for commenting. You make-a-me smile!

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